Such a man

Okay, so here are some life experiences I missed out on, and some life experiences that may not be “normal.”

1.     I’ve never experienced the “bar scene.” I went to the Bricktown Brewery a couple of times, once with my parents and once for my 10-year HS reunion. I went to some other bar once with my husband to meet some of his old friends.  And that is the sum total. I truly don’t know what it’s like to be a single adult woman, so I would not know what to expect at a bar.

2.     I never went to a real party in high school or college. When it was my birthday, my mom would bake me a cake or cookie or brownie, and my extended family would come over, and we’d have my birthday party: I sat on a chair, everyone sang me the song, we ate cake, I opened presents, etc. So . . . maybe I was too lame to be invited to anybody’s party?  I will never know, but it did make me feel left out back then.

3.     Even though I lusted hard after most of the guys in my high school at one point or another, not a single one of them asked me out.  I met my first boyfriend when we both worked at Dairy Queen. I was 17.

4.     I got a speeding ticket just after midnight when I turned 18. Some birthday present that was.

5.     I used to buy my underage friends and coworkers cigarettes and liquor. I never charged for my services, and none of them died.

6.     The older I get, the less I feel like a woman.

7.     I have never been a waitress because I think it is too difficult a job.

8.     I have had 13 jobs since turning 16. It’s been 18 years.

9.     I can name almost all 1980s movies just by looking at one screenshot.

10.  My taste in music has been heavily influenced by my mom, certain friends, and the time period I grew up in. As a result, I like 60s rock, 70s rock and funk, most 80s music, and certain alternative selections from the 90s. I also like certain movie musical soundtracks.

11.  My mom taught me the electric slide and the grapevine, but I can also do the mashed potato, the skate, the charleston, and the twist.  None of those were popular after the 70s.

12.  As a kid, I may have convinced my brother he was an alien.

13.  I believe reading books has saved my life.

14.  When Maryann from the Babysitter’s Club books got her hair cut into a bob, I did, too. I was 10, and it was not a good look for me.

15.  I stopped wearing contacts at age 21 because I’m allergic.

16.  I stopped wearing all makeup except for concealer when I developed an allergy to all mascaras.  My eyes swell up and I can’t see, so it doesn’t seem to be worth it anymore.

17.  Yes, I still have one breast implant, but I would hack off both boobs if I could. They served their purpose, and now they are retired.

18.  I don’t like women’s clothing.  I would prefer to wear band t-shirts and jeans all the time. Flannel shirts when it’s cold. Flip-flops all year round. No bras, ever. Panties, only 7 days a month.

19.  I want to shave my hair off and keep it like that this time. Having hair is just a pain.

20. One unintended result of all my jaw surgeries is that now I can wink. I never could before, but now half of my face is f*cked up.