Am I Supposed to Be Here??

(Haha, I love Clerks.)

So let's break this down, shall we? I've been thinking about natural selection as it applies to my life. 

Natural selection is "the process whereby organisms better adapted to their environment tend to survive and produce more offspring."

Enter technology, i.e. medical advances.  I should never have survived past infancy, and my body has continued trying to break me down my entire life, including being vastly mysterious to doctors.  My brain chemicals even joined the fight.  If it wasn't one thing, it was another.  Congenital heart defects (requiring surgery at 3 months old and 10 years old) would have taken me out before I turned one without medical intervention.  But let's talk about my mom- she had open heart surgery at age 12 or 13.  Would she have survived to get pregnant and birth me without fixing her heart condition? 

And then there's the MAJOR guilt I feel over having kids myself.  My youngest was born with the worst heart issues our family has ever seen.  He had his second heart surgery at 9 years old, and he might need another in the future.  Hell, so might I. 

My question is- at what point does this become unacceptable?  Should the government intervene in families like mine to stop us from progenating?  That's kind of extreme, but people like me really aren't strengthening the human race.  We are starting to be born without a tailbone or appendix or wisdom teeth.  We are evolving, so why am I here?  I'm just a defective model.

Pandemic 2020

So yeah, I am unraveling.  Not so slowly, either.  I'm going on day 12 of being quarantined.  That's 12 days since I last worked, 12 days since the kids have been in school, 12 days since my normal daily routine ended.  I am still being paid, even though my job is one that cannot be done from home. 

What is wrong with me? Why am I so depressed? Why am I not happy at being paid to play hooky?  Why am I having so much trouble reading, when that is one of my favorite things?

Why do I just want to sleep until it's all over?

I can't muster any energy or motivation. Not even for this.

2019 Books

2019 Books Read

I've used Goodreads to keep track and gather the stats.

Includes 5-star rating scale and some of my reviews.

Physical books: 19
Audiobooks: 32
22 fiction 
24 memoirs/biographies
4 other non-fiction
1 poetry collection

Physical Books

1. Bird Box by Josh Malerman, 5 stars
My review: Very quick read. Extremely suspenseful, it activated my imagination and conjured my worst fears.

2. Of Blood and Bone by Nora Roberts, 5 stars
My review: An excellent follow-up to Year One. I can't wait for the last of this trilogy to come out. A departure from the books NR is known for, this story is grander in scope, and dystopian in nature.

3. The Best of Us by Robyn Carr, 3 stars
My review: While I loved the story, I found the writing to be very stilted. I have read many books by this author, and this was the first that was not very well-written. Maybe it was rushed?

4. Untouchable by Jayne Ann Krentz, 5 stars
My review: Satisfying conclusion to the trilogy.

5. Connections in Death by JD Robb, 4 stars
My review: Nice continuation of the characters we love.

6. Watcher in the Woods by Kelley Armstrong, 5 stars

7. Tripping on a Halo by Alessandra Torre, 4 stars

8. To Make Monsters Out of Girls by Amanda Lovelace (poetry), 5 stars

9. The Bookshop on the Corner by Jenny Colgan, 5 stars

10. Storm Cursed by Patricia Briggs, 5 stars

11. The Amateurs by Liz Harmer, 4 stars

12. Under Currents by Nora Roberts, 4 stars

13. The Flatshare by Beth O'Leary, 5 stars
My review: Lovely book. Can't wait for the next.

14. Vendetta in Death by JD Robb, 4 stars

15.  Born in Ice by Nora Roberts, 4 stars

16. Meant to be Yours by Susan Mallery, 4 stars

17. The Shape of Night by Tess Gerritsen, 3 stars

18.  The Rise of Magicks by Nora Roberts, 4 stars

19.  Repercussions by Marion G. Harmon, 5 stars



Audiobooks

1. You're Never Weird on the Internet by Felicia Day, 4 stars

2. You'll Grow Out of It by Jessi Klein, 4 stars

3. Invisible: How Young Women with Serious Health Issues Navigate Work, Relationships, and the Pressure to Seem Just Fine by  Michele Lent Hirsch, 5 stars

4. Brave by Rose McGowan, 4 stars

5. Riding the Elephant by Craig Ferguson, 4 stars

6. Dirty Daddy by Bob Saget, 4 stars

7. Born Standing Up by Steve Martin, 4 stars

8. Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, 5 stars
My review: I never really thought about Rob Lowe, as I haven't seen the West Wing or many of his movies, but this book won me over. He is a very thoughtful, candid, talented, and funny dude. He does great impressions of other celebrities, which was a shock to me. I always considered him the straight man amongst hilarity. This book is definitely worth reading.

9. The Bassoon King by Rainn Wilson, 4 stars
My review: Fascinating individual.

10. Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance, 5 stars
My review: Success story with considerable insight into a specific culture that many people overlook.

11. Nomadland by Jessica Bruder, 4 stars

12. Evicted by  Matthew Desmond, 5 stars

13. Maid by Stephanie Land, 5 stars
My review: Inspiring story and excellently written.

14. Bossypants by Tina Fey, 4 stars

15. Girl Walks Into a Bar by Rachel Dratch, 4 stars

16. Almost Interesting by David Spade, 5 stars

17. Sadie by Courtney Summers, 5 stars
My review: I listened to the audiobook, and it was excellent. Pretty good performance by the voice actors.

18. Lady Killers: Deadly Women Throughout History by Tori Telfer, 4 stars
My review: Informative and interesting.

19. Fat Vampire by Johnny B Truant, 4 stars

20. Tastes Like Chicken by Johnny B Truant, 4 stars

21. Why We Don't Suck by Denis Leary, 5 stars

22. Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt, 5 stars
My review: Best memoir I've ever heard. The author narrates it himself.

23. Ghost in the Wires: My Adventures as the World's Most Wanted Hacker by Kevin D Mitnick, 5 stars

24. Buseyisms by Gary Busey, 4 stars

25. As You Wish by Cary Elwes, 5 stars

26. Love Life by Rob Lowe, 5 stars

27.  Inside Out by Demi Moore, 5 stars

28.  Gwendy's Button Box by Stephen King, 4 stars

29. Call the Midwife by Jennifer Worth, 5 stars
My review: Excellent storytelling. I felt as if I were there in London with the author. Incredible.

30.  Shrill by Lindy West, 4 stars

31.  I am C-3PO by Anthony Daniels, 4 stars

32. Dear Girls by Ali Wong, 5 stars

Quandary?

I've been giving the subject of money a lot more attention than usual lately.  I mean, yeah I pay my monthly bills and buy groceries and all that, but recent events have caused me to really consider my relationship with my finances.  I'm at the point where I'm just figuratively throwing up my hands in defeat and acceptance. 

What am I supposed to do with an "explanation of benefits" letter from my health insurance company stating that they will not cover the vast majority of the expenses incurred when my 9-year-old son had his second open heart surgery and spent 2 weeks in the ICU?   

Yep. That's over $400k for one open heart surgery and 2 weeks in the ICU.  And what about the $1000 payment I owe every time he sees the cardiologist?

This is COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.  I'm baffled.  I'm inspired to quote old sayings like, "You can't squeeze blood from a stone."  I could rant about the injustice of it all, but the number is so astronomical that I can see it from a distance.  I can look at it through jaded, cynical eyes that have seen some serious shit . . . and I can laugh.  Yep, I'd like to say I was surprised, but deep down I was expecting something like this.  Nothing comes easy in life, good breaks are pure fantasy, and I'm just another hamster spinning my own little wheel, always moving but never getting anywhere.  So I shrug and laugh about it, because that's all I can do. 

Some might say I'm lucky that debtors' prisons were abolished in America.  To this- I shrug again.

Some might say I should get a second job, even a third job, and work myself to the bone to pay this amount of money. That's not gonna happen.  

Some people might kill themselves in the face of huge debt.

I think I'm taking the healthiest possible approach by accepting that I can do nothing to fix this country's healthcare system, and it's definitely not worth me killing myself. I would be a totally useless martyr for the cause, and I realize that.  

My husband and I both work full-time jobs, albeit at the bottom of our perspective ladders. We have a mortgage, 2 car payments, and 2 growing boys.  We live paycheck to paycheck as it is.  We have no savings.  In this situation, all we can do is make the smallest possible monthly payments and go on with our lives.

We'll be paying till we die.

The important thing is that our son's surgery was successful, and he is happy and healthy.

Reading Catnip

I recently listened to an episode of Smart Podcast Trashy Books, and it inspired me to think about all the authors and books I'm thankful for.

I'm pretty sure I started reading at age 6, in the special class between kindergarten and first. I remember devouring picture books, then easy readers, and so on and so forth.

Thanks to: Cam Jansen, Hank the Cowdog, Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley, Babysitter's Club, A Wrinkle in Time, Anne of Green Gables, The Secret Garden, Little Women, etc.
Beverley Cleary, Judy Blume, Lois Lowry, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Louis Sachar, etc.
Special shout-out to the two thick volumes of old fairy tales and folklore in my parents' bookcase that I loved.

I must've read Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret at least 20 times. A few years later, and I obsessed over Summer Sisters and Forever . . . I also read the Anne of Green Gables series over and over.  The same goes for Little Women.  I read Gone With the Wind at least once a year as a teenager.

I began reading LJ Smith's books as a young teen, thanks to my Uncle Phil who gave me one of them for Christmas.  That kicked off my exploration of paranormal/supernatural fiction, at least a decade before the sub-genre became popular.  I read the original 4 Vampire Diaries books, the Secret Circle trilogy, the Forbidden Game trilogy, the Dark Visions trilogy, and the Night World series. These books all came out in the early-to-mid 1990s, and I loved them and reread them often. Thank you, LJ Smith, for expanding my reading options to include supernatural themes.

One of my favorite authors of all time is Piers Anthony. I was introduced to the world of Xanth as a young teen, via Demons Don't Dream, which happened to be #16 in the series.  The first in the Xanth series, A Spell For Chameleon, is my favorite book to this day. Of course I didn't stick to just the Xanth books, I read his 2 autobiographies, several of his stand-alone fantasy and sci-fi novels, a couple of his erotic fantasies, a few collaborations,and a few books from other series. So THANK YOU to Piers Anthony, one of the best authors I have come across. I seriously love you, dude. His website is www.hipiers.com.

I began sneaking my grandma's Harlequins at a young age, probably around 11 or 12.  I credit them with teaching me about sexuality.  Public school biology class doesn't explain the interesting parts of sex.  When I started driving at age 16, I was able to go to the library by myself, which enabled me to check out all the dirty romances I wanted.  I really had a field day with smut as a teenager, culminating in me getting caught passing around an especially explicit book in a 12th-grade class.  Luckily, the teacher ended up giving it back to me without reporting the incident.

I still love reading romance novels, but today I am much more discerning.  I don't read them for the sex scenes anymore, for example.  The romance has to have a good, interesting plot for me to read it.  Some romance authors I especially enjoy are Nora Roberts, Susan Mallery, Jennifer Crusie, and Robyn Carr. I'm a sucker for certain romance tropes: the mail-order bride, the Old West, the small town where everyone knows everyone, etc. If the book happens to include the renovation of an inn or old house, I'm all over it.  Also, I love romantic suspense: a murder mystery with two characters falling in love while they investigate.  It's all the more better if the romantic suspense becomes an entire series.  My favorite romantic suspense series is the In Death series by JD Robb, but Tess Gerritsen, Kay Hooper, Iris Johansen, Jayne Ann Krentz, Julie Garwood, and Karin Slaughter all have great novels, too.

I forget exactly when I began my love affair with paranormal fiction, but it was probably around my late teens.  It used to be difficult to find these books at a bookstore, because they did not have their own section.  LJ Smith was found in YA, but once I exhausted all of those, I had to really search.  Some were found in fantasy, some were considered sci-fi, and some were in romance.  I remember that Laurell K Hamilton was placed next to Stephen King in the sci-fi section of Waldenbooks.  And speaking of LKH, I LOVED her first Anita Blake novel, Guilty Pleasures.  I've read all the books in the series, and she is still writing more.   I also love her Merry Gentry series.  Thank you, LKH. Other paranormal authors I have enjoyed are: Kim Harrison, Christine Feehan, Rachel Vincent, Rachel Caine, Kelley Armstrong, Chalaine Harris, Carrie Vaughn, Molly Harper, Jennifer Estep, PC Cast, Robin McKinley, Nicole Peeler, Lora Leigh, and Patricia Briggs.

What's my catnip?
Oh man . . . I love quirky, funny romances. I LOVE romantic suspense . . . In the paranormal romance realm, I prefer shapeshifters over vampires and witches and such.  I also really enjoy a good dystopian novel.  I am a sucker for cute, light fantasy books, too.  Every year, I read the latest books from my favorite authors, including the next in a few series.' 

In Response

I am writing this blog post in response to the many questions people keep asking me about how I have come to see the world the way I do. I try to keep my personal viewpoints to myself when I am around certain family members and most coworkers. I express myself online, but I do not always feel safe to otherwise.  Being a non-religious liberal in my neck of the woods can be dangerous, so I try to blend in. I've been camouflaging myself for the majority of my life. My parents started this for me when I was 10, by instructing me: "Don't tell anyone at school about the Hepatitis C."

Okay, I thought, I have to keep a secret about myself because the other kids won't understand.
That was the beginning. From that point on, I exerted a lot of effort trying to fit in with my classmates. The worst thing ever would be to stand out or to be made fun of or embarrassed. (By the way, I was treated and "cured" of HCV a few years ago.)

I was raised in a household with conservative values (although my parents were both registered Independents): I was expected to get good grades in school, go to Sunday school and church, do chores on Saturdays, etc.  I got my butt spanked for misbehaving right up to age 13.  I was taught how to cook, and I cooked dinner for my family a few times a week from age 13 on.  I got my first job and my first car at age 16, my first boyfriend at age 17, and I earned my high school diploma on time. I never did drugs, I never skipped school, I did not get pregnant as a teen, and I did not even taste alcohol until I was out of high school.  All of this paints a pretty boring picture of a young, white, REPRESSED girl.

So how did I go from that girl to the woman I am today?  Add to the picture these facts: I have always been a voracious reader; I have always been very open-minded and accepting of other types of people; I am quick to put myself in other people's shoes; I use reason and logic to solve problems, but I also listen to my heart; and I have struggled with many different and difficult issues while watching others struggle, too.  The major catalyst, of course, was moving out of my parent's house at age 20.

There were a few of major life changes right away: I dropped out of college, moved to a city over 100 miles away for a man I'd only known for 2 months, and marrying that man.  These hasty, ill-advised, and mind-boggling decisions shoved me on a path that I'm still struggling with. I have been living paycheck to paycheck for 16 years. I have lived with debilitating physical and mental problems my entire life, for which I have been discriminated against often.  I haven't always been able to afford medicine or food.  I have witnessed the struggles of many friends and coworkers over my life.  I've met all kinds of people with all kinds of personalities, etc.  I've been a sounding board and supporter of people dealing with serious issues, including sexual orientation, gender identity, varied medical problems, child custody battles, abusive marriages, sexual violence, and others.  I'm an empathetic person, so I can really put myself in their shoes and feel what they're feeling.

Labels are just society's way of trying to fit everything and everyone into neat little boxes.  When pressed, I will identify as a liberal politically, working poor class-wise, and free-thinking when it comes to religion.  I look at different issues, and weigh all the facts with my own life experiences and knowledge I have gained from reading and listening to make decisions.  I don't believe in straight-party voting, because every candidate is different- and they may not fit their label.

So let's talk food stamps.  I know several families who would have gone without food if they didn't have food stamps.  I was on food stamps at one point in time for about a year.  The VAST majority of food stamp recipients are not on drugs and they are not trying to game the system. They are good, hard-working people struggling to make ends meet in these times of wage inequality and gender bias. Another wonderful program is WIC.  I was on WIC for about 5 years running, as long as they would have me.  If not for WIC, I could not have consistently afforded formula, fruits, vegetables, cereal, milk, peanut butter, and bread for my kids. WIC also performs regular check-ups on all kids in the program, requires parents to take parenting classes, and rents out breast pumps for free.

I very firmly believe in social programs. Food stamps, WIC, Medicare, Medicaid, TANF, SSI, Pell grants, EIC, and many more are essential to the health and well-being of this country's citizens.  If not for the child tax credit and Earned Income Credit, I could not have afforded to take my kids to the dentist or the ophthalmologist, replace broken household appliances and/or furniture, or catch up on bills.

Moving along . . .

To be expedient, I will quote wikipedia here, and then expand:
"Liberalism is a political and moral philosophy based on liberty and equality. Liberals espouse a wide array of views depending on their understanding of these principles, but they generally support civil rights, democracy, secularism, gender equality, racial equality, internationalism, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, and free markets."

I believe in sharing the wealth.  There is no need for billionaires to even exist: I read an article about how making more than $75,000 a year does not increase happiness, but even beyond that is the fact that you get what you pay for.  If a company does not pay employees a living wage, the result is that the employees' work will be substandard due to low morale (people feeling unappreciated) and fatigue (from working multiple jobs).  A living wage generally means that a person working 40 hours a week, with no additional income, should be able to afford the basics for a modest but decent life, such as food, shelter, utilities, transport, health care, and child care.  What is so wrong with that?  Back in the 1950s, a man could work 40 hours a week and support a family of four.  The wage gap has been steadily increasing ever since, and more people than ever are struggling just to live.  In my own life, I have always done my best at my jobs, but I never felt happiness in a job until I was given benefits and a decent wage. I am more likely to stay at a job where I feel valued, and I AM NOT ALONE.

I should hope that the issues of "freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of religion" are self-explanatory. Geez. Basically, as Americans we can say what we want and believe what we want, and the press can publish what they want.  We might not always agree with some of the things being said, believed, or published, but again, we are free to disagree.  We are free to have a conversation, a debate, an intervention, or an opinion piece.

Live and let live.

LET ME LIVE.

So . . . gender equality and racial equality are liberal views?  These should be across the board, and I will never understand the people against women being equal to men or all races being equal.

Abortion? I'm pro-choice and, more importantly, pro sex-ed.

Guns? They need to be better regulated. And don't get your panties in a wad, guns are FAR from ever being eradicated, and everyone knows it.  Geez. Remember the Prohibition?

Religion? I'm open-minded.  Whatever floats your boat. Freedom of and from religion.  I had originally stopped right there, but people usually want me to expand . . . How did I come to be so happily and lazily agnostic?  It's the usual yada yada former religious people say: I was raised Methodist, and started questioning the religion around age 12.  I went through with confirmation and baptism at age 13, I read the entire bible twice, and I started working at DQ every Sunday when I was 16.  These days I like telling people I don't believe in anything.  It usually gets a reaction.

LGBTQ rights: Yes.  Love is love.

The national anthem? It is unnecessary to sing/play this song at sporting events, unless the US is being represented internationally, like in the Olympics.

Overcrowded prisons and jails? Yes, especially in Oklahoma, this is a problem.  Decriminalize lesser offenses, focus on rehabilitating non-violent offenders, use more halfway houses, etc.

Education? Just pay the teachers what they are worth.  They deserve a major raise, country-wide, and better supplies for their classrooms, and up-to-date textbooks and technology.  Oklahoma teachers (with college degrees!!) are moving to other states, and I have seen the effect this has had on my kids.  Gone are the teachers who really care about the kids. Now they are all over-stressed with too-large class sizes and not enough school supplies. Not a good situation, and there is no end in sight.

I may have spent my entire life stuck in Oklahoma, but my mind has been everywhere, thanks to public libraries, which are taxpayer-funded.

Memories at 36

I've been having trouble organizing my thoughts for while now. I remember a time when I could write a decent poem in five minutes flat, and essays flowed easily. These days, every time I play a card game, I have to be reminded of the rules. This includes poker and Go Fish, but lately has extended to Exploding Kittens and Bears vs Babies. It's really strange when I think about it, since I have a veritable font of knowledge about certain things stored in my head. It's like my brain does spring cleaning every once in awhile, and decides to keep the most random and useless stuff:

How to change a tire? . . . Nah, I'll just keep the ASL sign for "turtle" I learned in 3rd grade. 

World history? . . . Hmmmm, nope, but I can still ask how the weather is in French.

Geography? . . . I can count to 10 in Japanese, but might have trouble labeling some countries on a map.

Zoology? . . . I can't even remember which animals we dissected in that class . . . But I can hold a conversation on the merits of 90s grunge music.

Baby CPR? . . . Um, that class was over 10 years ago . . . But I could still play my high school's fight song if you handed me a tenor sax- and I learned that 20 years ago.

The list is long.

Basically, I can remember some details of every book I've ever read, but not the US capitals.  I can tell a Nora Roberts book just from the way she writes.  I can hold long discussions about MANY authors, and I keep in reserve well-formed arguments for or against a certain few. You need me to name an Australian writer? I can name two off the top of my head. You wanna debate sci-fi vs fantasy? Bring it.  You seriously want to ask me for a romance author recommendation? Sit down and get prepared for a lengthy conversation on the many sub-genres of romance, including examples of each along with my personal favorites and a link to Smart Bitches Trashy Books.

So yeah, as of this writing, I will be 36 in a little over one hour. I thought I would be a different sort of human being by this age . . . But at least I can finally say that I feel happy most of the time these days.  I credit daily doses of vitamin D, a job that I LOVE, and my precious boys. It really is amazing what a mood-lifter the feeling of usefulness is. My job gives me sense of purpose that just being a wife and mother did not. And I CANNOT overstate the value and importance of vitamin D for people who don't spend much time outside.

I can look at my life and say that I would be very content if I could just get my body to cooperate. 

2018 Books- I read 56 this year!!

All the books I read in 2018:

1. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
    My rating: 5/5 stars
    My review: This book was not what I expected. It totally blew me away with the originality of the main character. The story surprised me by taking some unexpected turns.

2. Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson, memoir, 5 stars
   This was a reread for me, but just as good the second time around.

3. Dark in Death by JD Robb, 4 stars

4. Turtles All the Way Down by John Green, YA, 5 stars
     I loved this book because I very much identified with Aza. I have experienced some of the same issues.

5.  Feels Like Home by Olivia Miles, 4 stars

6. Promise Not to Tell by Jayne Ann Krentz, 4 stars

7. Stardust by Neil Gaiman, fantasy, 4 stars
     This was a book club pick.  Solid fantasy novel.

8. Burn Bright by Patricia Briggs, 5 stars
     This was the latest in the Mercy Thompson series.  Loved it.

9. Skin Tight by Carl Hiaasen, 4 stars
   This book surprised me- it's not the type I usually read.  It was the first I'd read of this author, although I'd heard of him.  The story was basically a humorous thriller, with unusual characters.

10. The Cowboy's Mail-Order Bride by Carolyn Brown, 3 stars

11. This Fallen Prey by Kelley Armstrong, 5 stars
     I read this book within a few hours. I could not put it down. Every book in this series just gets better, and I cannot wait for the next one.

12. Hold Back the Dark by Kay Hooper, 4 stars
     This was the latest in a series about a psychic division of the FBI.

13. Where'd You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple, 5 stars
     This is the best book I have read in a long time. It has everything going for it: It is well-written, has a great plot, developed and interesting characters, and a couple of surprises.

14. Little Beach Street Bakery by Jenny Colgan, 5 stars
     I loved this simple, unexpected romance.

15. Second Chance Girl by Susan Mallery, 4 stars

16. Wired by Julie Garwood, 4 stars

17. The Family Gathering by Robyn Carr, 4 stars

18. High Lonesome Sound by Jaye Wells, 4 stars

19. The Road to Enchantment by Kaya McLaren, 4 stars

20. Sourdough by Robin Sloan, 5 stars
     Very difficult to describe- oddly compelling and very satisfying read.

21. Stillhouse Lake by Rachel Caine, 4 stars
     This book will make you paranoid, if nothing else.

22. Shelter in Place by Nora Roberts, 5 stars
     Another winning thriller/romance from this author. The subject matter is very current, and the characters are bursting with life.

23. How the Cowboy was Won by Lori Wilde, 4 stars

24. The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin, 3 stars
     This book caught me off-guard right from the beginning. I was uncomfortable reading it the entire way through. It was nothing at all like the description given on the inside flap.  Very misleading. I give it 3 stars because while I did not care for the story, it was written very well.

25. Bring Me Back by BA Paris, 3 stars
     I was able to guess the ending way ahead of time.

26. The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish, 4 stars
     Simply hilarious. Love this lady.

27. The Life She Was Given by Ellen Marie Wiseman, 5 stars
     Very absorbing. I cried.

28. How to Stop Time by Matt Haig, 5 stars
     Completely enthralling.

29.Lightning by Dean Koontz, 4 stars

30. Sweet Tea and Sympathy by  Molly Harper, 4 stars

31. How to Walk Away by Katherine Center, 5 stars

32. The Roanoke Girls by Amy Engel, 4 stars
     Uncomfortable read, in a very VC Andrews kind of way.

33. The Pisces by Melissa Broder, 4 stars
     Obscure, and definitely not for everyone.

34. Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones, 5 stars
     The best fantasy I've read in a long time! Comparable to the classic Xanth novels. I loved every bit of this book.

35. Key of Light by Nora Roberts, 5 stars
     Another re-read, but very nice.

36. Educated by Tara Westover, 5 stars
     One of the best memoirs I've read. A woman, of my own generation, rising above the life she was born to.

37. Serpentine by Laurell K Hamilton, 4 stars
     Nice addition to the series, but at times too meandering. Also, there was too much talking and not enough action (outside the bedroom).

38. Instant Attraction by Jill Shalvis, 4 stars

39. A Gathering of Secrets by Linda Castillo, 4 stars

40. Lacks Self-Control by Roy Sekoff, 4 stars

41. The One by John Marrs, 4 stars
     The premise was interesting, but the actual story was all over the place.  Not contained. I kept flipping back to previous chapters to figure out what was going on.

42. Leverage in Death by JD Robb, 5 stars
     Another excellent addition to the series. It's got everything: Action, mystery, romance, character building . . .

43. Pieces of Her by Karen Slaughter, 4 stars

44. Why Not Tonight by Susan Mallery, 5 stars

45. Recursion by Marion G. Harmon, 4 stars
     A solid addition to my absolute favorite superhero fiction series.
                                                             

46. Mistletoe Miracles by Jodi Thomas, 3 stars
     This book disappointed me. I think it needed more editing, because many sections seemed stilted.  The whole thing just did not flow well.

47.  Catching Christmas by Terri Blackstock, 4 stars
     This was a cute Christmas story. Perfect holiday feel-good reading.
                                                                 

48. The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert, 5 stars
     This twisted fairy tale book was amazing.  It was not at all what I expected.
                                                                

49. Not Quite Over You by Susan Mallery, 4 stars

50. Paperback Crush by Gabrielle Moss, 4 stars, nonfiction
      All-inclusive look back at YA books from the 1980s and 90s. Huge trip down memory lane for me.

51. The Girl Who Sees by Dima Zales, 4 stars

52. Cross Breed by Lora Leigh, 5 stars
      More steamy than usual for this series, but also a very good storyline.

53. Brain Droppings by George Carlin, 4 stars, humor

54. The Promised Me the Gun Wasn't Loaded by James Alan Gardner, 4 stars
                                                         

55. The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, 4 stars, suspense

      I received an ARC from Celadon Books. I would say this book is a psychological thriller, with a few twists thrown in. It was worth a read, but I was able to guess the ending, which is why I did not give it 5 stars. This was apparently the first novel by this author, and I expect he will improve with time.
                                                                                

56. Uprooted by Naomi Novik, 5 stars
     Beautiful story. I didn't want it to end. All the hype surrounding this book is well-earned.
                                                                              

NUMBERS RECAP:

4 fantasy

1 sci-fi

5 paranormal

11 thriller/suspense

1 humor nonfiction

10 romance

1 nonfiction

2 superhero fiction

16 regular fiction

1 YA

4 biographies

Tattoos that I will never be able to afford . . .

Yes, when you are poor, or just working class, you really can't justify the expense. It's a sad situation for me, because I'm not a drinker or smoker. Getting tattooed is a release for me. It's pain of my own choice.  It's the only activity that can force me into "the zone," which might be close to meditation, but I wouldn't know.  The several tattoos I already have do not completely describe me.  It's very addicting, beautiful, and meaningful.  Unfortunately, it is also prohibitively expensive. 

Well, a girl can dream, right?

This special rat, for obvious reasons:

So, my husband wants a pinup of Marilyn Monroe on his arm, so I would have to go with something more to my taste.

 














I love to read. In fact, I have spent my life in countless other worlds, rather than face the pain and sadness of my own.  I would like some sort of book tattoo, and I'd like to find a really good quote to ink on my free arm.

 

Turtles are kind of my thing.

 

I would get the letters "OB" or the word "OddBall" in remembrance of the best cat ever.

Counting my Boons

I will start with my Treasures in life.

1) My husband. He is my rock. He makes me laugh. He has a cute tushy, and his arms . . . .
Anyway. He works super hard at a thankless job where he could be injured at any moment, and for which he has not been given a raise in 8 years. This dude is mine.  I live for this dude. And he lives for me. We've been together for 10 years, and we want to see at least 10 more.

2) My boys. I remember being pregnant with my first baby, and I was just so in love with our cat, OB.  OB was a kitten growing up while I was pregnant with Tyger, and I was constantly rubbing OB, cuddling him, petting him, and giving him all the love I had in my heart.  I actually remember telling Troy that I was worried about having any love left over for the new baby.  But when I first got to see Tyger, and hold him, it was love at first sight. My heart was full to bursting. I was afraid to touch him at first, but I got over that.  And when I got pregnant with Cougar, I didn't think I would have any room left in my heart for him. But guess what? I got out of my bed the day after having a C-section, and got myself checked out of the hospital so I could go see him. And when I finally saw him, it was love at first sight, too.  My family was complete. I would be lost without them, and they continue to be the reason I get out of bed every day. I just cannot stand to let them down in any way.  When they are sad, I am sad.   They made me a mom.

3) I am alive, and at the moment I can use all of my bodily appendages. I may be in pain, I may have some undiagnosed disease to add to all the other stuff that's wrong with me, but I am alive.

4) I have shelter.  I live in an okay house, with 3 bedrooms. I have running water and electricity.  I have a bed to sleep in.

5) I have plenty of clothes to wear for all seasons, and I do not buy new unless some clothing item becomes irreparable.  I also have plenty of shoes for all occasions.

6) My grandma is still my best friend.  She is a huge part of my life. I think about her every day and I wonder what she would do in certain situations. Like, "Would Grandma be happy or sad if I made this decision?" I am always wondering about what Grandma would do. I love my grandma more than I can express. SHE IS LOVE.

7) My parents. I know I am lucky to have them. They raised me, taught me everything they thought I should know before I flew the coop.
MOM.
My mom taught me how to use a potty, she taught me how to eat, she taught me how to dress myself, how to brush my teeth and hair, how to shave my legs, and what to do when Aunt Flo came for a visit. She also showed me by example that it is okay to show your feelings. It is okay to cry, it is okay to laugh.  She also showed me by example that it is so much more fun to let yourself become immersed in a book or movie. Feel free to FEEL. She taught me to cook meals for the family when I was 13. Unsupervised, I made most of the family's meals until I got a job at age 16.
DAD.
My dad is truly a treasure in my life, because he is always there when I need him.  He taught me to drive, automatic and stick. He tried to teach me to change a tire. He took me to get my first car an oil change, so that I would know what to expect. And I always filled my own gas. When I was a kid, my dad would rub my back until I fell asleep. My dad taught me everything I know about computers. He gave me my love for Star Wars, ELO, and sci-fi books. My dad is whom I call when I have any kind of question because he knows everything.