Tuesday, May 12, 2015

I'm here! Where's my trophy?

Is it wrong of me to believe that people (kids) shouldn’t get prizes just for showing up? Shouldn’t they have to work hard to earn awards? I remember the feeling of pride and accomplishment when I would win something at school (lots of academic awards).  It diminishes the winners to give awards to everyone.  I feel like it might make the winners feel like they shouldn’t even try next time, if they are not to be distinguished for their efforts.  My 5-year-old (Cougar) has a pre-k graduation next week, and my 6-year-old (Tyger) has a kindergarten awards assembly.  I will be at both ceremonies, but I do not have to pretend to understand why there is a need for them.

I love my kids to pieces, but I’m not big into celebrating every little thing.  Did I save hair from their first haircuts? Nope.  Did I take monthly pictures of them as babies? Nope.  I did take pictures, but only at random and on holidays.  My parenting style is more laid-back (laissez-faire?) than some.  I’m not trying to be a helicopter mom OR a best friend.  I’m trying to strike a balance between the two.  For example, I make sure Cougar takes his medicine and that both boys take their showers every night, but I do not hover over them making sure they brush their teeth.  They know what they are supposed to do. They play in the backyard unsupervised.  At 5 and 6, they are old enough to be responsible for their own actions.  They know right from wrong.  I don’t need to be present for every second of their lives anymore.  Sometimes this makes me sad, but it’s part of growing up.  

I also believe that adults should not be rewarded for nothing.  I have immense respect for people who earn their college degrees and/or promotions at work.  I also respect every mother who has gone through a natural childbirth, every person who has achieved a journeyman’s license, and every person who has completed a vo-tech program. 


You have to earn your way in this world, and handing out awards to everyone who just shows up is not setting a good example of real life for our children.  This practice is setting the bar very low, so that the kids don’t even have to try anymore. 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Remission, or feeling like a "normal" person

So, I went through treatment for my Hepatitis C over last summer.  I was on Sovaldi and Interferon (chemo-like drugs) for 3 months, from May to July of 2014.    The Sovaldi was $1000 per pill, but my insurance covered it so that I only had to pay $5 per month.  The Interferon was in the form of a shot once a week, performed by my husband (thank goodness- there's no way I could do it to myself).  Side effects of treatment for me included extreme fatigue, weight loss, and hair loss.  Basically, I slept for 3 months and acquired 2 bald spots and rapidly thinning hair.  The hair loss did not start until August, AFTER treatment was finished, and it continued until December.  At that point, I had to cut my hair down to about 2-3 inches long.  I got a fun haircut, so it turned out okay.  I also lost about 50 pounds.  The weight just melted off, probably because I was barely awake long enough to eat.

After treatment, my blood tests showed that my liver enzymes were NOT elevated anymore.  HEY . . . REMISSION!!!!

In order to explain the way I am feeling now, 6 months post treatment, I have to say how I felt before.  Since I likely contracted Hep C as a 3-month-old baby, I can say I've had it my whole life.  31 years.  I have always been tired, and more so the older I got.  It was a feeling of heaviness that never let me go.  I never had much energy (and less as I aged), so I stayed out of physical activities like sports.  As an adult, I needed a nap every day and plenty of sleep at night.  As a teenager, I became depressed and withdrawn from life.  I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety disorder at age 19.  The chronic fatigue and depression are typical side effects of Hep C.  

I have never known another way of life.  I have always been tired, ALWAYS.  The fatigue was just a part of me that I did not realize until it was gone.

That's right.  It's gone now.  The saying that you don't know what you've got until it's gone is true.  I did not realize that I had been so tired my entire life until I suddenly WASN'T.  

It's weird to have all this energy.  At first, it seemed excessive, but now I know it's just how normal people feel.  I actually look around my house and notice things that need to be done, like laundry and dishes and sweeping.  I don't know what to do with myself when I'm home alone- when the kids are at school, my hubby is working, and my own work is done for the day.  So I pace the house a lot.  My favorite thing to do has always been reading, but now it's difficult to settle down and concentrate.  This energy is so new to me.  I feel restless.  I don't need as much sleep, and it's difficult to nap.

Is this how healthy people feel?




Sunday, November 23, 2014

INFJ Personality Type

I took this quiz: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

My results:

INFJ Description

by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt
INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure andcompletion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.
INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.
Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).
This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving thehighest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.
Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.
In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.
Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life.Those who are activists - INFJs gravitate toward such a role - are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.
INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden.They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress.INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless.The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.
"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led.These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time.Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.
INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.
Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.
(INFJ stands for Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging and represents individual's preferences in four dimensions characterising personality type, according to Jung's and Briggs Myers' theories of personality type.)

Your Type Preferences

Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(12%) Feeling(38%) Judging(22%)


Friday, November 21, 2014

IF ***

If you could cure any disease, which would it be?
----There are so many . . . but I would cure childhood cancer.  I know that's a rather broad scope, but I simply cannot narrow it down.  I would give much of my earnings to St. Jude's if I had it to give.  I've spent a lot of time in children's hospitals, both as a patient and as a mother, and I can't stand to see babies, especially, suffer.  The little ones do not understand yet what is going on, and they fight so hard, they fight to live, they fight to go on.  It's a draining and emotional experience.

If you could eliminate one cause of death on Earth, what would it be?
----Whatever the most painful kind might be.  I would not wish a painful death on anyone.

If you could invent one new home appliance, what would it do?
----Fold laundry.  By far, my most hated task, aside from dishwashing.

If you could be a guest on any TV talk show, which would it be?
----The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.  I LOVE love love Jimmy Fallon- he's the most talented, funny, musical, and creative talk show host ever. 

If you could have prevented once event in history, what event would you eliminate?
----The Black Plague.  It was a nasty, horrible, painful business, that event was.  It killed everyone it touched, without a thought or care- women, children, men, EVERYONE.  Second place goes to the Holocaust, of course.

If you could teach your children only one lesson in life, what would it be?
----I'd teach them that honesty is the best policy.  When in doubt, tell the truth.  Many hurts can be avoided by this simple lesson, and also many unnecessarily long and complicated fabricated stories that will catch you up too quick.  The truth shall set you free.  It may be difficult at times to tell the complete truth, but it is always the best answer.  If a woman's butt looks too big in whatever outfit tell her, but nicely.  She doesn't want to wear something like that ! That's why she asked you in the first place! If I make a pie that you truly don't like, tell me!  If you don't, then I will never know, and I'll keep making them.  If you love someone, tell him/her.  If you don't, tell him/her.  Avoid mixing up relationships with lies like those.  These are but a few examples of why the truth is the best.

How would you describe your idea of the perfect mate?
--Well, first of all,no one is perfect. But I can come up with some traits that would make a man darn near perfect to me: Funny, sweet, honest, charming, strong in body and mind, healthy as a horse, big-hearted, likes similar similar TV shows and books as me, and is easy to please in the kitchen.  Being nice to look at, rich, and very educated would be bonuses.  As it happens, I already have my life mate, and he embodies most of the list I have provided.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

I don't have a clue what dreams mean

Really. I don't.  I've taken several psychology courses, and the common consensus is that dreams are your sleeping minds way of processing your day or putting different puzzle pieces together.   They also say you can't read in your sleep, and that certain dreams mean certain things.

Well, I've had a few repeat dreams over my life that I can remember: Endlessly checking groceries at a store, arriving at high school topless, forgetting my classes and my combination to my locker in high school, flying down stairs in single bounds, and my favorite- having sex with faceless men.

But do any of my dreams have anything to do with the day I just had, like the textbooks say?  I don't think so.  The last vivid dream I can recall is being transported to my brother's house in Wisconsin via mirror, and I have not read 'Through the Looking Glass' in years. Nor have I ever been to my brother's house or seen detailed pictures of it, but my mind made up fantastic details for his house, and it was beautiful.  So what was that dream about? How do I analyze it?  Am I just missing my brother, or am I envious of his house that I have never even seen?  Or do I simply wish I could travel by mirror?

I am capable of lucid dreaming, that is, dreaming while knowing you are dreaming and being able to direct it somewhat.  Not all the time, but sometimes, and that's great when it happens.  It gets me out of nightmares mostly.  Sometimes I dream my alarm went off and I'm getting up, getting ready for the day, all while still being asleep.  Those dreams suck and are extremely difficult to break free of, because then I can't tell reality from dreaming.  I always wake up from those feeling like crap.




Saturday, November 15, 2014

Hair is more important than I thought.

WARNING: this post may become a self-serving pity party, although I will endeavor to keep it light.

As most of my family and friends know, I went through treatment similar to chemotherapy over the past summer to treat my Hep C- that I'd had since I was 3 months old, and being 31 now.  I decided to treat because I discovered that the disease could shorten my lifespan by half, and I still have books to read, places to visit, little people to watch grow up, and a husband to love.  After treatment, however, my GI doctor told me to stop taking my thyroid medication because my thyroid was fine.  Shortly thereafter, my hair began falling out.  After two months, I was put back on the thyroid medicine, because my hypothyroidism was indeed not cured, and only controllable by medicine.  So the combo of hypothyroidism, the chemo-like drugs, and the extreme stress in my life is likely what caused my hair loss.  I should be fine now, right?

NOPE. My hair is still falling out in clumps and I have a desperate hair appointment with my favorite cousin in a few days to see what can be done short of shaving it all off.  I'm afraid, and more than that- I'm vain.  I never realized it completely until now, but my hair was my most beautiful and natural feature.  I had just spent years growing it almost to my waist before all of this crap happened.



Blonde or red, I kept it long.  I loved it, but never really appreciated it.  Maybe it's a woman thing, I don't know.  But now I look like this:


The bandanna is covering my bald spots, and you can see the hair is much shorter and a lot thinner.  /In fact, there is not much left at all.  And after this coming Wednesday, there may be nothing at all left.  Even a pixie cut would be disastrous for me, as my long face makes me look ridiculous with short hair.  I know because I've tried it a couple of times.

I am worried it will take an extra long time to grow out again, because I am still under tons of stress and I am almost positive the Hep C has come back.  I feel so vain to be blogging about this when there are women everywhere being stoic about their cancer-related hair loss.  But I had to get it out somehow since no one understands and my husband says I'm still beautiful (he knows how to stay out of trouble).  

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Taboo Subjects

Religion, Politics, and Money- Oh My!!


Polite conversation is not supposed to include religion or politics, and some people also add the subject of money to the list.  Within immediate families, these subjects may be discussed or not.  Within extended families, these subjects are discussed a bit less.  Within a circle of friends, these subjects may or may not be discussed, depending on how serious and/or heated they are willing to get.  But with strangers?  Do not say anything, except to agree if you must respond- even if you don't agree.  At least that is the popular consensus about these topics and how they must be dealt with.

However, most of my family, including my extended family members, know my political views.  I do not talk about religion except to a few select people, due to the very sensitive nature of the subject in my geographical area and the way I was raised.  About money?  I only just realized that it is not discussed often.  I know that some members of my family have 10 times more money than I do. I am pretty sure my immediate family (husband and kids) are the poorest in the whole bunch.  

I know I've mentioned this before, but I do not like secrets, and I'm very curious.  I'd like to know the views of everyone on all these topics.  I don't judge, I have an open mind.  I just like to know things.  In fact, I LOVE knowing that people can tell me anything.  I just wish some of them realized it.  So, to go first, here are my views:

Starting with Religion
I took a quiz online and here are my results.

Your top result isSecular Humanism
Your Complete Results:
1.Secular Humanism(100%)More Info
2.Unitarian Universalism(93%)More Info
3.Liberal Quakers - Religious Society of Friends (82%)More Info
4.Non-theist(73%)More Info
5.Taoism (69%)More Info
6.Theravada Buddhism(69%)More Info
7.Mainline - Liberal Christian Protestants(59%)More Info
8.New Age (57%)More Info
9.Neo-Pagan(56%)More Info
10.Mahayana Buddhism(55%)More Info
11.Jainism (53%)More Info
12.Orthodox Quaker - Religious Society of Friends (45%)More Info
13.Reform Judaism (44%)More Info
14.Sikhism (38%)More Info
15.Scientology(38%)More Info
16.New Thought(36%)More Info
17.Hinduism(30%)

I like to think of myself as a freethinker, although I do side with the humanist point of view.  I keep an open mind about all beliefs.  I was raised Christian- Methodist, and I went to church regularly until I got my first job at 16.  However, I started questioning the Christian's way of thinking as early as 12.

Politics
Another quiz . . .

Your best fit is...

Solid Liberal-along with 15% of the public.

"Generally affluent and highly educated, most Solid Liberals strongly support the social safety net and take very liberal positions on virtually all issues. Most say they always vote Democratic and are unflagging supporters of Barack Obama. Overall, Solid Liberals are very optimistic about the nation’s future and are the most likely to say that America’s success is linked to its ability to change, rather than its reliance on long-standing principles. On foreign policy, Solid Liberals overwhelmingly believe that good diplomacy – rather than military strength – is the best way to ensure peace."

I've been a liberal since I was old enough to understand what it meant.  I am the only liberal in my entire family- including extended relatives- that I know of.  I am generally peace-loving and giving, and I hate war.I also approve of finding alternative energy sources, and getting farther out of the oil business.  Fracking is a horrible practice that has caused many earthquakes in my state, where we used to have next to no earthquakes.

Money
I'm not taking a quiz here.  I will simply state that I like money, I like using it, and I wish I had more of it.  I have made many, many money mistakes over the years, but I try not to regret them.  I also believe that we must live while we are alive, and in that spirit I am less of a saver.  I will spend money on a day at an amusement park or downtown, even if it causes money to be tight for a month or two.  I wish I had some savings, but currently my husband and I have too many medical bills and 2 kids to raise.  Trying to save money when you are so poor that you are getting food stamps is a joke.  So I will take that rare night at the movies when I can grab it, because life is for the living.