The best of us

                                                          Best Uncle Ever
                                                          Uncle Kenny
                                              written by niece Gwendolyn

I can't think of my childhood without visions of Uncle Kenny popping into my head.  He was always there, calling me "Princess" right up into my early 20s.  I used to spend a lot of time with my cousin Jaime, who is Uncle Kenny's oldest daughter. He was always happy, ready to play, willing to help. Up until I was about 12, the typical Sunday would include going to church in the morning, with me and Jaime going to Sunday School together and then sitting together on the family pew for the church service. After church, the whole family who had attended that service would go out to eat somewhere, after which I would beg to go play with Jaime. Uncle Kenny was always willing to let us play.

He showed up at the hospital for the vast majority of my surgeries until I turned 20, I think.  People just don't realize what a difference it makes to get visitors when you are feeling bad and stuck in a hospital bed.  It was actually a bigger effort for him, because he was very uncomfortable being around needles, etc.  I look back now, and I am extremely appreciative of what he did.

I remember calling him when I was in high school, because I couldn't figure out a math problem.  I think it was probably an Algebra 3 problem, but let me say this, Uncle Kenny was SMART.

He showed genuine interest in all my boyfriends, even the sketchy ones.

On one occasion, I called him and cried through an entire conversation because I had just had my heart broken by my first husband. I'm sure he felt uncomfortable with that sort of thing, but he hung on and kept talking to me. (I would actually LOVE to know what he really thought of my first husband and the end of that marriage.)

If I ever complained to him about a job, or about my severe depression, he would say that there is a silver lining to every cloud.  He wanted me to find something about my job that I actually enjoyed- he said there was something good to be found in any job, or in any day. He was so totally happy and upbeat and just genuinely NICE all the time. Sometimes I would say something inflammatory to him just to get a reaction, but he always stayed chill. I know that he did not approve of some of my life choices, but he never came out and criticized me. I wish he had.  I held him in such high esteem that I would've listened.

If I had ever asked him for anything, I know he would've done his best to help.

And then there's Cougar, my son. He needed open-heart surgery at 3 months old, and he ended up staying in the hospital for 8 weeks. He almost died several times, and it was very stressful for me. Well, once the surgery was over, we didn't get many visitors up in Cougar's PICU room.  And HERE is why I just think Uncle Kenny was one of the best people to ever inhabit Earth: The first time he saw Cougar after surgery was actually before they had sewed his chest shut. Now, this baby was covered in tubes and wires snaking in and out of his little body, but his chest was wide open. And my Uncle Kenny stood and looked at all that horrible stuff going on with my baby.  And he made several more visits while Cougar slowly recovered over the 8 weeks. Sometimes we would all eat in the hospital cafeteria and talk about Cougar, but also other topics.

When Cougar was old enough to play without hurting himself, Uncle Kenny was on it.  He played with both of my boys, but Cougar really had an attachment to him, and I think it was mutual.

We didn't deserve to lose him so soon. It was not his time. He had more living to do. Everyone is still broken up about it.  I'm crying right now.  Grandma and my mom still cry over it. WHY did the best one of us have to be taken?

Such a man

Okay, so here are some life experiences I missed out on, and some life experiences that may not be “normal.”

1.     I’ve never experienced the “bar scene.” I went to the Bricktown Brewery a couple of times, once with my parents and once for my 10-year HS reunion. I went to some other bar once with my husband to meet some of his old friends.  And that is the sum total. I truly don’t know what it’s like to be a single adult woman, so I would not know what to expect at a bar.

2.     I never went to a real party in high school or college. When it was my birthday, my mom would bake me a cake or cookie or brownie, and my extended family would come over, and we’d have my birthday party: I sat on a chair, everyone sang me the song, we ate cake, I opened presents, etc. So . . . maybe I was too lame to be invited to anybody’s party?  I will never know, but it did make me feel left out back then.

3.     Even though I lusted hard after most of the guys in my high school at one point or another, not a single one of them asked me out.  I met my first boyfriend when we both worked at Dairy Queen. I was 17.

4.     I got a speeding ticket just after midnight when I turned 18. Some birthday present that was.

5.     I used to buy my underage friends and coworkers cigarettes and liquor. I never charged for my services, and none of them died.

6.     The older I get, the less I feel like a woman.

7.     I have never been a waitress because I think it is too difficult a job.

8.     I have had 13 jobs since turning 16. It’s been 18 years.

9.     I can name almost all 1980s movies just by looking at one screenshot.

10.  My taste in music has been heavily influenced by my mom, certain friends, and the time period I grew up in. As a result, I like 60s rock, 70s rock and funk, most 80s music, and certain alternative selections from the 90s. I also like certain movie musical soundtracks.

11.  My mom taught me the electric slide and the grapevine, but I can also do the mashed potato, the skate, the charleston, and the twist.  None of those were popular after the 70s.

12.  As a kid, I may have convinced my brother he was an alien.

13.  I believe reading books has saved my life.

14.  When Maryann from the Babysitter’s Club books got her hair cut into a bob, I did, too. I was 10, and it was not a good look for me.

15.  I stopped wearing contacts at age 21 because I’m allergic.

16.  I stopped wearing all makeup except for concealer when I developed an allergy to all mascaras.  My eyes swell up and I can’t see, so it doesn’t seem to be worth it anymore.

17.  Yes, I still have one breast implant, but I would hack off both boobs if I could. They served their purpose, and now they are retired.

18.  I don’t like women’s clothing.  I would prefer to wear band t-shirts and jeans all the time. Flannel shirts when it’s cold. Flip-flops all year round. No bras, ever. Panties, only 7 days a month.

19.  I want to shave my hair off and keep it like that this time. Having hair is just a pain.

20. One unintended result of all my jaw surgeries is that now I can wink. I never could before, but now half of my face is f*cked up.

About Feb 8, 2017.

I'm 34

34 Typically Unknown Facts About Me

1. I was not breastfed as a baby.  My mother wanted to, but the doctors said that they needed to be able to measure how much I was eating, due to my heart troubles.

2. I did try to breastfeed my babies, but with Tyger my milk ran out at around 5 months because I did not know how to keep it up while going to work. Cougar was too weak to eat, and he was on a feeding tube from 6 weeks to 3 years. I pumped milk for him for about 5 months.

3. I would like to get a tattoo of a cute, fat rat eating a piece of cheese on my thigh just above the knee. Nobody will understand it.

4. I would like to visit Scotland and Ireland to see the castles and to check out some pubs.

5. I'd also like to take a train to California, or maybe all around the country.

6. I want my kids to spend a week of every summer at the lake so they can experience camping, fishing, and swimming.

7. I'd like to tell my story someday, but I don't know the ending yet.

8. I'm thinking about wearing men's pants because women's pants just never fit right. I can't wear pajama pants all day.

9. Reading books is my drug.  It's my addiction; it's what takes me away from reality.

10. I do like to drink, but only liquor, and only if it's sweet.

11. I am really into reading superhero fiction.  The best by far is 'Wearing the Cape' by Marion G. Harmon.

12. I love 80s movies.

13.I love 90s alternative music and grunge. Also 80s music, funky 70s stuff, and most 60s music.

14. My favorite clothing styles are: 90s grunge and flannel, and 70s bellbottoms.

15. However, mostly I just wear pajama pants and t-shirts at home, and jeans or khakis with loose shirts when I go out.

16. I do not wear granny panties. I much prefer to go without panties, but my mother would be horrified, so I wear bikini-cut.

17. The only reason I ever shave my legs is because I don't want to scare the hubs away.

18. I make a damn good chocolate raspberry pie. Or so I've been told.

19. Cougar says my spaghetti is the best.

20. Tyger says my fried chicken and salads are the best.

21. I really want my mom to give me her old nugget ring.

22. I prefer to wear loose t-shirts with interesting sayings or good musicians on them.

23. I'm addicted to dark chocolate, pepsi, and loaded cheese and bacon potato skins.

24. I've never read 'To Kill a Mockingbird' or 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Fin.'

25. I would love to be a test-reader for female authors.

26.I used to have the entire soundtrack to 'Grease' memorized. I would listen to it on cassette for hours. My favorite song to sing myself was Rizzo's solo "There are Worse Things I Could Do."

27. The movie Even Almighty makes me crack up every time.  I could not stop laughing loudly when I saw it in the theater the first time.  Side note: my ex was horrified by my laughing- there's a reason he's my ex.

28. When I hear the song "Beautiful Stranger" by Madonna, it takes me back to 1999- I was 16 and working at Dairy Queen.

29. I don't exude any particular style.  I just try to stay comfy and wear flip-flops all year round.

30. I don't wear jewelry besides my wedding ring. My ears do have 6 holes, so I may wear earrings again someday.

31.I have had countless pets in my life. I can't even remember them all. When I was growing up in my parent's house, the pets would always eventually get sick, run over, or attacked by some wild animal. I can only remember a few names of the dogs and cats: Valentine, Turkey, Faith, Princess, Ginger, Sam, Midnight, Bosh, Heidi, Bubba, BJ, Prince Charming. Plus a few parakeets and one cockatiel.  There is an animal graveyard on my parent's land.

32. I have been in the workforce for 18 years, and I have never worked in an office. I can do many things, but the things I cannot do are legion.

33. I inherited my dad's logical, rational mind, but I also got my mom's creativity and imagination.

34.I believe in doctor-assisted suicide, and if my body gets to a certain point, I hope it is available.

EIC

Earned Income Credit

Oil changes

Any auto repair

Dental work

Vision checkups/glasses

Any home repair

Appliance replacements

These are some of the things that many Americans can only afford once a year. Your brakes are squealing, you shred a tire, your engine won’t start? Haha, good luck with that.  You better hope it’s February, or you’ll be walking to work.   You have a toothache? That’s too bad.  You are having trouble reading road signs and you squint all the time? That’s interesting.  Your house needs a new roof? Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen.  Is anything at all broken inside your house? Stove, refrigerator, washing machine?

Well. I hope for your sake that you’ve filed your income taxes, because the only way you are going to be able to afford to alleviate any of these problems is with your tax refund.  That is, if you are a member of the working poor.  If you do not live paycheck to paycheck, count yourself lucky.  Having the ability to save money is a major weight off your shoulders. 

I imagine my life without the EIC, and it’s scary because now I have to think about my kids.  Before I had kids, before I qualified for EIC, I didn’t have the same worries.  Now I have to hope that it’s February if anything breaks in the house, or if a vehicle needs work.  I hope the kids can time their toothaches to tax season.  

what is with this nontraditional shit?

What the hell does “nontraditional” mean?

I wouldn’t know. I was raised very traditionally.  I had one mom and one dad.  I even had the requisite sibling to grow up with. My parents stayed married, and now I believe they are heading to their 37^th anniversary. Growing up, we celebrated most American Christian holidays, such as New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, The 4^th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  We did not celebrate April Fool’s Day, and please do not ask us why.

I remember get-togethers with my dad’s side of the family, and get-togethers with my mom’s side.  While there were some differences, the common theme was always food.  In particular at Thanksgiving and Christmas, I would expect to see a large spread of traditional foods. Turkey, ham, stuffing, rolls, some veggie casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, and pies. As I became a teenager, my mom let me help her cook whatever she needed if she was hosting the family holiday dinner.  As an adult living on my own, I am expected to bring either a side dish or a pie.

And I am a damn good cook, so if you invite me to some gathering involving food, you don’t have to worry because I will bring at least one food item.  That is just the way I was raised.  VERY traditionally, in every way you can imagine.

I was the oldest surviving child, and I was a girl.  My parents tried to mold me into a well-rounded kid, but I don’t think the ballet lessons, the Brownies, or the piano lessons really helped me at all.  The best thing my mom ever did for me was take me to the library.  All I needed was books.

But I digress.  In elementary school, I made mostly A’s because that is what my parents expected of me. In junior high, I joined the school band, mostly under pressure from my mom because she already had a clarinet. AND because they wanted me to have an extra-curricular activity.  In 9^th grade, I turned 16, got a job at Dairy Queen, and got a 1993 Ford wagon. 

Because that was very traditional in my family. You know, turn 16, get a job in fast food, get a car.  I did everything my parents wanted me to do.  I didn’t even start dating until I was almost 18, and I even did that in a traditional way.  Hell, I ended up engaged to be married in all four of the major relationships I had. Tradition. There were, of course, some guys who gave me what I wanted and then left, so I don’t count them. Damn, what I would do for the body I had back then . . .

Anyway, I am currently married to husband #2 and we have 2 kids.  The man supports the family, while I do what I can with my part-time job. I am the main caregiver, the one who feeds them, takes them to the doctor, and gives meds and snuggles when they are sick.  So some parts of my life are very traditional.

But back to my point, which is- WHAT the HELL is a nontraditional holiday family dinner get-together?  I’m confused. I baked a cherry pie to bring, and I hope that’s not too traditional for these people.

Elementary school is hard, y'all

                                         Elementary school ain’t no joke

          I must say that I remember kindergarten as being a time of coloring, playing, snacking, napping, and MAYBE learning the alphabet.  It was a simpler time, when you could play the morning away before your mom came to get you around noon.  That’s right, back in my day kindergarten was only half a day.  I have a kindergartener and a first-grader now, and they spend from 8:45 am to 3:45 pm in school every day.

          As for playing in school, or spending all day coloring- forget it! The kindergarten teacher has a color-coded behavior system: red means bad, yellow means the kid was sorta bad, and green is good.  Now let’s talk about Cougar, my kindergartener.  He is the class clown, as described by his teacher.  You can probably imagine that he brings home lots of yellows and reds.  The reasons are sometimes written in his folder, and sometimes not.  The written ones from last week’s red days said, “playing and throwing his hat around” and “howling during the 2^nd grade play.”  During the last parent-teacher conference, the teacher told me that all the kids love Cougar, and Cougar loves all the kids.  He gives everyone hugs and plays with everybody.  He’s very inclusive.  HOWEVER, being the class clown means that he is forever getting into trouble for not following directions or for not listening.  As far as his schoolwork goes, he doesn’t care too much about it yet.  He has only learned 50 out of the 100+ sight words he is expected to learn, and he can’t really read yet.  He knows his alphabet and can count to 100, but that’s about it for him.  He can write his name and some easy words, but again, that’s it.  He has homework twice a week.  That’s right- my KINDERGARTENER has to do homework.  Wednesday is always reading homework because he is expected to be able to read with some fluency by the time he hits first grade!  I can’t believe this myself. I think kindergarten should be more about learning through play, and NOT about pressuring these poor kids to read before they are ready.  I didn’t even begin learning to read until first grade.

          Now don’t get me started on first grade! I’m super lucky to have my smartypants son Tyger in first grade right now, because first grade is TOUGH now. They do not have a color-coded behavior system, and they don’t have snack time.   They are expected to have learned to read in kindergarten, so they start right away with spelling words, reading tests, and math problems.  Tyger usually has spelling, reading, and math homework every week.  I don’t have to worry so much about Tyger, because he’s been reading since he was 2, and he does multiplication tables for fun while the other kids are still adding and subtracting.  He goes to a special smartypants class every Thursday called ACE, where hopefully his brain is stretched, but in reality he says he just plays on computers.  Tyger has been described by his teachers as quiet and reserved, with just a few friends. He is super smart, so the classwork is boring him, but his teacher assures me that 2^nd grade will be a bigger challenge for him.  

Just a few things

Where you wish you were

I wish I was a hermit, living up in a mountain somewhere.  One of the Appalachian mountains.  I would like my dwelling to be part of the mountain, camouflaged unless you know where to look.  Because of course there must be a path down off the mountain, so that I can buy supplies and take care of any business. I would live in my part of the mountain in a cabin with floor-to-ceiling reinforced, bullet-proof windows (with camo curtains) and solar panels for energy.  I don't care if this sounds unlikely or impractical- this is my fantasy.  The cabin would have 3 rooms: one for cooking, eating, and relaxing, one for bed time, and one bathroom. In the first two rooms, there would be built-in bookcases full of all my favorite books and new ones I've yet to read.


The one thing you're most ashamed of

I am most ashamed of my first marriage.  I'm ashamed mostly because of the cost of the wedding that fell to my parents, and for failing at the marriage in the end.  I am ashamed that I believed so deeply in a rotten man that I defended him to everyone and kept giving him chance after chance.  I am ashamed of myself that I was so fooled.


The person in your life you are most jealous of

This one is easy.  It's my brother's wife.  Not that I want to marry my brother- GEEZ-  but I think she has a wonderful life.  She made a great catch when she got my brother.  He has a master's degree, he's worked for the same company for several years, he is smart and funny, and he gave her a beautiful daughter.  They get to go on vacations and travel around the world.  AND my brother's wife does not have to work outside the home.  She is an excellent housewife and mother.  I am jealous of her capabilities. She always seems to know what to do in situations where I am clueless.

Working poor doing without

The working poor do without a lot.  I am defining the working poor as those people who work and live paycheck to paycheck.  Whether they have kids or not, they make too much money to qualify for food stamps, but not enough money to afford extras.  They work and work and work, and barely make enough to survive. 

I identify myself as a member of the working poor, and I have been since the age of 20, when I moved out of my parent’s house.  I’ve worked a string of part and full-time jobs since the age of 16, but working for survival started when I set out on my own.  I had a year of college under my belt, but no skills to speak of.  Subsequently, I ended up only qualifying for unskilled jobs in the customer service area and warehouse work.  I’ve been a cashier, customer service rep, vendor, and stocker for over 10 different companies.  In 12 years, I’ve only been on food stamps for 1 year.  In this time, I’ve been denied many things the middle and upper classes take for granted.

The biggest item is food.  The ability to buy whatever you want at the grocery store is a foreign concept to the working poor.  So is eating out at any type of restaurant.  Even getting Mickey D’s for a family of 4 will cost over $10, and that is money that would be better spent on gas.  When money is scarce, like between paychecks, my family will be living on sandwiches.  And I know we are not the only ones.  Some items we cannot always afford are in the meat and produce sections, such as beef, pork chops, chicken, oranges, broccoli, and grapes.  Essentially all foods sold by the pound.  Cheese is also an expensive item.  Booze is an extension of the food group, and it is something the working poor can rarely afford.  Sometimes I just want to end my day with an ice cold flavored beer or shot of chocolate schnapps.  Does it happen? Maybe once a year. 

An interesting side effect of not having enough food is that when the pantry is actually stocked, the working poor hurry to empty it.  Thus, we eat all the good stuff in a hurry, leaving the bare remains to last the rest of the pay period.  This is the same thing we do with money: spend it before it’s gone.  It makes no sense to outsiders, but to us, it makes perfect sense.  The cheese will be gone (eaten) in a day or two.  I can’t really explain this any better- you have to live it to understand.

Entertainment is another thing the working poor have less of.  We may have TVs and basic cable.  We might even have computers and the internet.  But do we go out to movies?  Do we go to concerts?  To sporting events?  How about taking a nice vacation?  NOPE.  These are all too expensive.  I have to wait for movies to come out on DVD before I can watch them.  I can’t even afford to buy my books- I get them from the library. 

Something must be done to enable the working poor to do more than just survive.  Raise the minimum wage, maybe?  Let us learn what it’s like to not be afraid of tomorrow.

I'm here! Where's my trophy?

Is it wrong of me to believe that people (kids) shouldn’t get prizes just for showing up? Shouldn’t they have to work hard to earn awards? I remember the feeling of pride and accomplishment when I would win something at school (lots of academic awards).  It diminishes the winners to give awards to everyone.  I feel like it might make the winners feel like they shouldn’t even try next time, if they are not to be distinguished for their efforts.  My 5-year-old (Cougar) has a pre-k graduation next week, and my 6-year-old (Tyger) has a kindergarten awards assembly.  I will be at both ceremonies, but I do not have to pretend to understand why there is a need for them.

I love my kids to pieces, but I’m not big into celebrating every little thing.  Did I save hair from their first haircuts? Nope.  Did I take monthly pictures of them as babies? Nope.  I did take pictures, but only at random and on holidays.  My parenting style is more laid-back (laissez-faire?) than some.  I’m not trying to be a helicopter mom OR a best friend.  I’m trying to strike a balance between the two.  For example, I make sure Cougar takes his medicine and that both boys take their showers every night, but I do not hover over them making sure they brush their teeth.  They know what they are supposed to do. They play in the backyard unsupervised.  At 5 and 6, they are old enough to be responsible for their own actions.  They know right from wrong.  I don’t need to be present for every second of their lives anymore.  Sometimes this makes me sad, but it’s part of growing up.  

I also believe that adults should not be rewarded for nothing.  I have immense respect for people who earn their college degrees and/or promotions at work.  I also respect every mother who has gone through a natural childbirth, every person who has achieved a journeyman’s license, and every person who has completed a vo-tech program. 

You have to earn your way in this world, and handing out awards to everyone who just shows up is not setting a good example of real life for our children.  This practice is setting the bar very low, so that the kids don’t even have to try anymore. 

Remission, or feeling like a "normal" person

So, I went through treatment for my Hepatitis C over last summer.  I was on Sovaldi and Interferon (chemo-like drugs) for 3 months, from May to July of 2014.    The Sovaldi was $1000 per pill, but my insurance covered it so that I only had to pay $5 per month.  The Interferon was in the form of a shot once a week, performed by my husband (thank goodness- there's no way I could do it to myself).  Side effects of treatment for me included extreme fatigue, weight loss, and hair loss.  Basically, I slept for 3 months and acquired 2 bald spots and rapidly thinning hair.  The hair loss did not start until August, AFTER treatment was finished, and it continued until December.  At that point, I had to cut my hair down to about 2-3 inches long.  I got a fun haircut, so it turned out okay.  I also lost about 50 pounds.  The weight just melted off, probably because I was barely awake long enough to eat.

After treatment, my blood tests showed that my liver enzymes were NOT elevated anymore.  HEY . . . REMISSION!!!!

In order to explain the way I am feeling now, 6 months post treatment, I have to say how I felt before.  Since I likely contracted Hep C as a 3-month-old baby, I can say I've had it my whole life.  31 years.  I have always been tired, and more so the older I got.  It was a feeling of heaviness that never let me go.  I never had much energy (and less as I aged), so I stayed out of physical activities like sports.  As an adult, I needed a nap every day and plenty of sleep at night.  As a teenager, I became depressed and withdrawn from life.  I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety disorder at age 19.  The chronic fatigue and depression are typical side effects of Hep C.  

I have never known another way of life.  I have always been tired, ALWAYS.  The fatigue was just a part of me that I did not realize until it was gone.

That's right.  It's gone now.  The saying that you don't know what you've got until it's gone is true.  I did not realize that I had been so tired my entire life until I suddenly WASN'T.  

It's weird to have all this energy.  At first, it seemed excessive, but now I know it's just how normal people feel.  I actually look around my house and notice things that need to be done, like laundry and dishes and sweeping.  I don't know what to do with myself when I'm home alone- when the kids are at school, my hubby is working, and my own work is done for the day.  So I pace the house a lot.  My favorite thing to do has always been reading, but now it's difficult to settle down and concentrate.  This energy is so new to me.  I feel restless.  I don't need as much sleep, and it's difficult to nap.

Is this how healthy people feel?