how to trust your man

How to Trust Your Man

Just do it.  In this day and age, it is easier than ever to cheat.  We have computers and cell phones that make everything about life easier.  Finding a woman to have an affair with is as easy as looking up a matchmaking site or using social media like facebook.  A woman can drive herself crazy worrying about what her man may be up to when he has his computer or cell phone turned away from her or in another room. 

I know from experience that men can and will cheat with these devices.  I was with a man for four years who had a secret myspace account, several secret email addresses, a secret photobucket account, a secret cell phone, a secret messenger handle, and a few online sex RPGs.  He downloaded porn and convinced me it was just spam that accidentally got downloaded.  He traveled to another state to be with at least one other woman on several occasions.  He emailed pictures of himself naked to other women.  The other women sent him videos of them pleasuring themselves.  He had a double life and he was a master liar.  He fooled me for four years.

So, yeah, it can be difficult to trust men, especially the ones who are hip with the latest technology.  But you cannot have a relationship without trust.

After my bad experience with that asshole, I came up with some reasonable expectations for a man to meet if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me:
1) There must be no lies between us.
2) Communication has to be open at all times.
3) We must know all of eachother's passwords.
4) Don't hide anything.

If you think about it, it's easy to follow those guidelines if you have nothing to hide.  Also, both partners must agree and get everything out in the open before getting serious.  If a man doesn't want to do any of the items on the list, then he must either be hiding something or he's not ready for commitment. 

Trust goes both ways, and you have to earn trust sometimes.  Just one little chink in the armor of trust can break down an otherwise solid relationship.  Chinks can be repaired, however, with honesty and love.

Trust is a choice and a leap of faith and an enormous investment in another person.   

times they are a changin

What has changed about growing up since my childhood?

 I was born in 1983.

My first home was in a trailer in Newalla, OK.  My mom let me run around outside stark naked.  I know this because she took pictures!!!!  I'm not ashamed and I've always thought it was funny.  But now that I am a parent, I realize that toddlers don't run around naked outside anymore in American cities.  Out in the country, sure.  But not in neighborhoods.  The public is more aware of pedophiles and kidnappings, and the average concerned parent today takes precautions to keep children safe.  Here's the way I feel as a parent in today's society: I let my kids explore and experiment as much as possible, within limits.  Kids have to figure things out for themselves.  So I will let my boys play in a kiddie pool in my front yard- in full view of my neighbors or anyone passing by- as long as they have shorts on.  My little brother and I played in kiddie pools naked back in the 1980s. 

Here's something else: my kids have access to computers and the internet at home.  They also have handheld game systems- and they are only 3 and 4 years old!  My oldest son has completed preschool online and is now working on kindergarten lessons- all before the age of 5!  He can navigate a computer, a cell phone, the TV, etc.  My younger son isn't quite as advanced, but he can work anything with a touch screen!

And let's talk about food.  With more moms having jobs these days (including me), the sit-down, home cooked family dinner is falling by the wayside.  I grew up having family dinner with both my parents and my brother almost every night- I would say at least 5 days out of 7.  Some families still manage this, but many more don't.  Frozen and processed foods are being consumed more than ever. 

Kids today are much fatter because of not getting balanced meals, in addition to being glued to their electronic gadgets.  I remember climbing trees, riding my bike, and going to the lake as a kid.  I got outside.  I sincerely hope that my kids continue to like being outdoors.  Right now, they play at parks and run around at my parent's house in the boonies, but who knows what the future holds?

"I'm just a mom"

My friend posted the above picture on facebook and made me think.

Why DO women say "I'm just a mom?"  Because in today's American culture, feminism is the norm.  Women are expected to have kids, a career, and manage a household.  If a woman does not have a job because she chooses to focus on raising her kids, she is made to feel like she is a lesser person.  There really are deadbeat moms out there, but there are also moms who are truly super dedicated to their kids.  They have the ability to have a career, but they choose to put that on hold in favor of giving their kids more attention.  These moms may say, "I'm just a mom," but the title "mom" encompasses so much more to these ladies.  These fabulous mothers are everything to their kids: nurses, friends, playmates, a shoulder to cry on, and much more.  These super engaged mothers make sure their kids have time to play outside, read them books at night, keep them fed, engage them in extra activities like sports, and most of all- mothers protect their children.  They protect their kids' imagination, ego, heart, and health.  All of this while trying not to be overbearing, because children need to spread their wings.

I'm of the opinion that stay-at-home moms should be given the title "professional mom" and a small salary while they are out of the job market, because they really are doing an important job: raising our future.

My own mom was a stay-at-home mom throughout most of my childhood.  She kept on top of my medical conditions, made sure the doctor's paid attention to me, and kept me alive.  I was a very picky eater, but my mom still managed to keep me fed.  She forced me out of my comfort zone and made me take ballet lessons starting at age five.  I cried every time she dropped me off and I know it must have been hard for her leave, but it helped me learn how to interact with other kids and work together with them.  She knew what was best for me.  My mom was there for every part of my life, even as I grew older.  I absolutely believed everything my mom told me because I thought she knew everything.  Some of her gems included, "Boogers turn to worms in your stomach" and "bubble gum sticks to your ribs if you swallow it."  She meant well.  I could always talk to her about 99% of the thoughts in my head.  She is one of my best friends and I know that I can always count on her.

My sister-in-law is also a very dedicated mom.  She had a part-time job until she had her daughter.  Now she is a full-time mother, and she's very good at it.  She keeps Lexi healthy and fed, and gets her out of the house for activities almost every day.  Lexi is the happiest little girl, and it is all because of her mom.  I love my brother, but he's at work a lot and so Lexi spends most of her time with her mom.

My friend has four daughters, and she is unable to work.  She is in pain a lot of the time due to some medical problems, but she still manages to keep her girls healthy and fed and in school.  Her situation is often difficult and precarious, but she hangs on and gets through every tough spot while trying to keep her kids' lives running as smooth as possible.  Many women in her situation would have given up a long time ago, but she keeps going and doing the best she can. Why? Because of the fierce love she has for her daughters.  That level of love and determination in the face of such major obstacles is an inspiration for all who know her.

I know from personal experience how hard it is to leave your baby and go to work, but some mothers do not have a choice.  There are bills to be paid.  These are also strong mothers, because although they must work, they always find time for their kids.  I'm not suggesting every mom should stay at home, because I know that's impossible.  I am JUST saying that women everywhere should be proud to say, "I'm just a mom."

lack of plans

Recently my best friend asked me what my goals and ambitions for my future are.  That made me stop and think.  Because here's the deal: I don't really have any specific goals set.  No ambitions, no clear path. 

Growing up, I always expected to get a college degree, get married, have kids, and have some kind of career.  I knew the proper order I was expected to accomplish these things.  However, I have never been the type of person to really know what I want.  Some kids know what they want to be when they grow up, and they stick with that goal until they've completed it.  Not me.  I kept changing my mind, from a young age right up until now.  If I make a decision, I have to act on it right away, or I will most likely change my mind. 

I loved writing stories as a child, so my first dream was to be a writer.  Needless to say, that didn't happen.  I wasn't good enough.  I was really never good enough for anything.  I'm not particularly skilled in anything.  I'm average.  I majored in education in my first year of college because at that time I wanted to be a French teacher.  I still like the idea of being a teacher, but it's just not in the cards for me. I dropped out after a year of college, but returned 7 years later to major in criminal justice.  I am one year away from having my Bachelor's degree, but I dropped out again. 

Well, now that I think of it, I am skilled at some things: I am a VERY good cashier and stocker.  I am an expert at helping customers (when I feel like it).  I'm a good listener, I'm very loyal to my friends and family, and I'm super honest. 

Are those skills for a successful career? No.  I can't type correctly, I can't figure out Excel, and I can't do any kind of job that requires me to be in top health. 

Basically, I have lived my life day by day ever since I left my parent's house 10 years ago.  I make it through each day the best I can.  I'm alive.  I would say that my motivation is my kids, and the only goal I have is to do what it takes to survive. 

Belle Gunness- female serial killer

Belle Gunness

            Many more male serial killers are reported than female.  Is this because men really do commit murder more, or is it because women are better at getting away with it?  Belle Gunness is a famous female serial killer from the early 1900s who killed many people and managed to conceal her activities long enough to escape.  This is a woman who had the means, motive, and opportunity, and she committed the crimes with incredible foresight and planning, and without feeling guilt or remorse.

Case Summary

            In September of 1881, a young woman named Brynhild Storset arrived in America from Norway.  She lived with her sister for a time, before marrying Mads Sorensen around the year 1883 and changing her name to Belle.  They operated a confectionary store which burned in 1898, allowing the Sorensens to collect insurance money (Shepherd, 2001).  This event marked Belle’s realization that she could gain money by collecting on insurance policies.

            Just two years later, in 1900, Mads Sorensen died suddenly.  The death certificate named a cerebral hemorrhage as the cause of death, but Mads’ brother and Belle’s neighbors were suspicious that she had poisoned him for the life insurance, which was $5,000 (Shepherd, 2001).  Belle escaped official blame, but her neighbors gossiped and made her life unbearable, so she traded her city home in Chicago for a farm in LaPorte, Indiana.  The farm was sixty miles from Chicago and sat on a hill on 48 acres; the property contained the two-story farmhouse, barn, carriage shed, chicken yard, and pond (Shepherd, 2001).  This is where she lived until the house burned down in 1908.

            She married Peter Gunness five months after moving to the farm.  Eight months into the marriage, he was killed by a blow to the head.  Belle was questioned about the incident, and she explained that a sausage grinder fell on the back of his head while a container full of hot water simultaneously fell on his face (Shepher, 2001).  Her comments were consistent with the injuries found in the postmortem examination, but the death and the explanation Belle gave seemed very strange.  She collected $3,500 in life insurance.

            Over the next five or so years, Belle continued her murder spree.  Her nefarious activities were totally unbeknownst to her neighbors and the town of LaPorte.  She placed matrimonial ads in Scandinavian newspapers published in America . . . She lured men out to her farm, and they eventually disappeared (Hartzell, 2008).  Some of her letters to potential suitors have been preserved in a museum in LaPorte.  In these cunning and manipulative letters, she made herself seem very desirable, and even required men to send her $1,000 before she would agree to meet them (Shepherd, 2001).  This money was meant to prove that they were serious about her, but all she was serious about was the money.  She hired various farmhands whom she sent to town while she caused her suitors to disappear.  A couple of farmhands later remarked that she had an entire room in her house full of huge trunks and men’s clothing . . . supposedly waiting for the men to come back (Shepherd, 2001).  This may have seemed suspicious, but Belle was a master liar, and people believed her answers.

            Belle Gunness’ tidy little scheme continued right up until the brother of one of her missing male visitors kept asking questions, and the adult sister of Belle’s 17-year-old adopted daughter started poking around.  Apparently, the girl should have been sent to California for school, but she wasn’t there.   Right about the time that Belle may have been found out, her house burned down.  Her current hired hand escaped and reported the fire to the neighbors, but it was too late to save anybody or anything from the house by the time help arrived. When the fire was finally out, men began scouring the house for Belle and the three children living with her; four bodies were found in the cellar, one adult female and three children’s bodies.  The children’s bodies were immediately identified as Belle’s children, but the adult female’s head was missing and the body was much shorter and slimmer than Belle’s (Shepherd, 2001).  Even with the obvious difference and rising speculation, Belle was eventually declared dead.

            Suspicious men began digging in soft spots around the farm, and found more and more bodies until the final death count attributed to Belle rose over forty.  Bodies were found in the pond, along fence lines, in holes left by tree stumps, and buried garbage piles (Shepherd, 2001).  The eventual number of deaths included babies and men that she may have killed before moving to the farm, but it is impossible to know the true number; it could be much higher.  Thousands of people flocked to the crime scene to watch the scene unfold over several weeks.  In the end, although Belle was officially declared dead, people always wondered if she had escaped and continued her crime spree somewhere else.

Theories Regarding Belle’s Mental State

            In examining Belle Gunness’ past to possibly uncover why she committed the terrible crimes, many relatives, past neighbors, and acquaintances came forward with opinions, observations, and stories to tell the police and reporters.  People in the small town of Selbu in Norway where Belle was born remembered her as being “a very bad human being, capricious, and extremely malicious . . . she had unpretty habits, always in the mood for dirty tricks, talked little, and was a liar as a child” (Shepherd, 2001, p. 14).  Others who had known her simply called her insane or wild.  Her sister said that all Belle loved was money. Another family member related a story about Belle at age 17 in Norway, miscarrying a baby after being kicked in the stomach by the baby’s father . . . and then the father disappeared (McAlpine & Dickerson, n. d.). That may have been her first murder.  Even the president of the Medico-Psychological Association of the early 1900s had a theory.  He believed that Belle was “doomed from birth” due to her body being irregular in that her head was an odd shape, she had a large frame and small feet, and her eyes were strange; the theory was that “if a person’s body is irregular or unsymmetrical, the chances are the brain will be formed badly” (Shepherd, 2001, p. 72).  At the time of her supposed death, one theory was as good as any, and there were many.

            According to the trait perspective, everyone has a different personality, and some people are more inclined to be negative than others. Trait researchers would classify an antisocial person with premeditated aggression, low fear, and low empathy as being a possible psychopath (Delisi, 2013).  According to many people who knew Belle Gunness, and the facts of her case, she had all of those traits.  Her crimes were all premeditated, she showed no fear, and she showed no empathy for her victims.  According to the behaviorist/social learning theory, a person's environment shapes his or her behavior. People learn by having their actions reinforced in positive or negative ways by other people and their environment.  Looking at Belle’s case from this angle, it would seem that her actions were reinforced by the fact that she kept getting away with murder and insurance money. When she first moved to America from Norway in the late 1800s, Chicago was a difficult place for immigrant women to find jobs without resorting to prostitution, so in this way her environment may have helped shape her behavior.  She needed money, and she found a way to get it.

            Psychological and personal influences tempt people every day. "Self-regulation is the capacity of an individual to inhibit preferred but inappropriate responses based upon situational demands that favor non-preferred but socially appropriate responses" (Delisi, 2013, sect. 2.2).  For example, a person with little self-control may steal candy from a store because he or she has the urge to.  People with more self-control are better at following rules and fitting in to society. One example is Ted Bundy.  He escaped prison and made it to Florida, where he sincerely meant to stop killing.  However, a pretty young girl caught his eye, and he could not control himself.  His personality also contributed to his relapse.  He was so manipulative, intelligent, and arrogant that he thought he could always outsmart the law and not get caught.  Although his personality suggested he may become a criminal, his self-control was the key.  All he needed was the ability to control his impulses and he could have led a completely normal life.  His little sideline of killing women destroyed his life.  The very famous case of Ted Bundy reminds me a lot of Belle Gunness: she, too, had trouble with self-control.  A Pinkerton detective called her “a woman without fear whose nature delighted in intrigue and the exercise of cunning . . . she developed a blood lust, a mania, which required that she hacked and hewed until the insanity within her was temporarily gratified” (Shepherd, 2001).  The actions of these two serial killers indicate that they could appear to fit in to society, but could not follow society’s rules.  Ted Bundy got caught, but Belle Gunness never did.

             Temperament is present at birth, can be inherited, is resistant to change, and "when certain negative temperamental features are found at pathologically high levels, and when those features are present along with other pathologically high negative temperamental features, criminal behavior is more likely" Delisi, 2013, sect. 3.2).  Personality evolves as a result of the temperament a person is born with. A baby born with a negative temperament will develop negative personality traits.  It all points back to temperament and biology being influenced by environmental factors as a person ages.  Belle was undoubtedly born with a negative temperament, and her experiences growing up in Norway and then moving to Chicago further developed her negative side.  Her pregnancy and miscarriage at age 17 made an impact on her in Norway, and the difficult living conditions in her part of Chicago helped her along the criminal path.

            The psychoanalytic theory says that "the experiences of childhood lay the foundation for the psychological functioning and dysfunction that one experiences" (Delisi, 2013, sect. 5.1).  Basically, if a person has a nice, supportive, happy childhood, he will be more likely to grow up to be a well-adjusted and productive member of society.  If a person is neglected as a child or has many bad experiences at a young age, he is more likely to develop negative traits as an adult.  The Id is the pursuit of pleasure, and if an individual's pleasure is interrupted or blocked, psychological problems may develop.  The Ego deals with the disappointments and problems of life.  The Superego "serves as an individual's internal representation of the moral code, norms, and values imposed by society and family" (Delisi, 2013, sect. 5.2). So the superego can be different in every person, acccording to how they are raised and how they learn to deal with problems.  The superego of a criminal such as Belle would likely have a low moral code and low values, thus making criminal activity okay.  Not much is known of Belle’s childhood other than she was born in 1859, the youngest of eight children, she worked at several farms in Norway, and her father was a stonemason (McAlpine & Dickerson, n. d.).  The townspeople of her childhood described her as malicious and a liar, so she was most likely born with a negative personality.  Somewhere along the way, her superego interpreted having money as being the most important thing in life, and her moral code developed to accept any method she used to gain the money she craved.

            The PCL-R checklist is a list of traits that psychopaths are known to typically have.  Observing and interviewing people will reveal whether or not they exhibit the traits on the checklist.  Typically, only a person who spends a lot of time around the possible psychopath would be able to recognize the occasional warning signs, and even then there is nothing the person could do until the psychopath performs some criminal or morally reprehensible act that can be reported to the authorities.  Of the twenty traits on the PCL-R list, some that describe Belle Gunness include: glib and superficial charm, pathological lying, cunning and manipulativeness, lack of remorse or guilt, callousness and lack of empathy, sexual promiscuity, failure to accept responsibility for own actions, and parasitic lifestyle (Hare, 2007).  Several people who knew her described how glib and cunning she was, and of course, she was an expert liar.  She methodically dismembered all the bodies found on her farm with surgical precision, which displays a lack of remorse, guilt, and empathy.  She had many lovers whom she lured to her farm and killed after obtaining their money, which indicates sexual promiscuity.  She did not accept responsibility for her actions: she came up with plausible explanations for the deaths of her two husbands and she set fire to her house and escaped when her criminal actions were close to being discovered.  She lived off of money she gained by killing her husbands and children, and the money she received from her many suitors, which is pretty much a version of a parasitic lifestyle.  She was a psychopath, and she got away with more than forty murders.

            In Los Angeles, a woman some people believe was Gunness died under a different name in 1931 after she and another woman allegedly poisoned a man.  This woman was named Esther Carlson, and she had the fingers, forehead, and ears of Belle Gunness, as reported by two LaPorte natives who saw the body (Shepherd, 2001).  Many people believe she had an accomplice in staging her death and escaping.  The world will never know for sure.

IF 4

More Ifs . . .

If you were to decide on a new punishment for convicted murderers, aside from life imprisonment or the death penalty, what would it be?
--This is a tough one for me because I have been studying the criminal justice system for the past few years.  I know that many convicted murderers are not guilty.  I don't condone letting killers walk away free, and neither do I approve of innocent people in prison.  The system sometimes lets us down, but for the purposes of this question, I will assume that the convicted murderer I am sentencing really is guilty.  I would prescribe a partial lobotomy and castration.  Remove the part of the brain that makes these people dangers to society, and then make sure they can't procreate.  Studies have shown that temperament is inherited, rather than influenced by environmental factors.

If you could have your mate surprise you by doing one thing (other than give you a gift), what would you want him/her to do?
--Clean the entire house. Every room, every surface, every nook and cranny.  Can you tell I'm married?

If you could have one extra hour each dayto do only one thing, what would you do in that hour?
--Sleep.  No question.

If you could have kept a detailed diary of one period of your life, so that you could now reread it, what period would it be from?
--I did keep a diary, but I kept forgetting to write in it, and I totally gave up on it sometime as a teenager.  I would like to have a record of my life life from age 16 to age 24.  I don't remember much, and I wish I had a diary that I could read to help me remember.

If you could implement a strategy to fight the war on drugs, what would it entail?
-- I would legalize marijuana.  That would free up a lot of jail space, thus saving taxpayer's money and making room for real criminals.  When marijuana is made legal, I would put a tax on it, thus giving back to the community.  Also, there would be a bunch of new jobs for unemployed people: pot farmers and business owners.

If you had to name the one thing that has changed the most about growing up since your childhood, what would it be?
--Technology.  As a child, I had a record player and a cassette player.  I used the landline at my house to call my friends because that was all we had.  If I wanted to watch a show on TV, I had to watch it right when it came on because there were no DVRs and using the VCR was a hassle.  I didn't have access to the Internet till I was about 15, and it was so slow that I read a book as I waited for webpages to load.

For Tyger

Tyger

Age 0-3 Years

It was February 8, 2008, my 25th birthday, when I discovered I was pregnant with you. I was a full-time stocker at JC Penney, and I had run next door to Target on a break to buy a pregnancy test. I peed on the stick in a stall in the bathroom of JC Penney's, and two lines appeared. I knew what that meant, and I was a little stunned. The first thing I did was pull my cell phone out of my pocket and text "I'm pregnant" to your dad. He was the receiver at JC Penney's, and he was on the dock working at that moment.

I stayed working full-time at the store, but I switched positions to be a pricing associate because stockers have to lift heavy boxes and pallets and climb ladders. As a pricer, I was on my feet and constantly moving from 3 am to noon, or 5 am to 2 pm. This was five days a week, every week, including the day I went into labor with you.

It was the last day of September, and I worked all day feeling small pains every so often. When my shift ended, I waited in the car for your dad's shift to end. I told him about the pains, and he wanted to take me to the hospital. I told him to take me home, and I made a spaghetti dinner for myself and ate it all. A few hours after that, about 6 or 7 pm, the contractions were coming every 7 minutes. We went to the hospital and I did not let your dad drop me off at the front door; I wanted to be with him while he parked in the parking garage. We walked together from the car to the hospital entrance and went up the elevator to the labor and delivery floor.

I was checked in, and after a few more hours it was determined that I was in labor and the nurses moved me to a delivery room. By this time, your grandparents- my parents and your dad's mom- had arrived. I began having terrible contractions closer and closer together, but no one came to give me an epidural until I was 7 centimeters dilated. The epidural put me to sleep, and when I woke up several hours later I was in even more pain. I pushed for one hour or so, and then I gave the doctor permission to use the vacuum to suck you out.

When you came out, your dad was the first person you saw, and he cut your umbilical cord. Then you were weighed and taken away to the NICU because you did not cry. You were 7 pounds 11 ounces and 20 inches long. I didn't get to hold you or see you until the next day. You were so tiny and perfect and I was overwhelmed with love for you that has only grown over the years. You stayed in the hospital for four days to be treated with antibiotics, and then we brought you home. You were half breastfed and half bottle fed until you were five months old, and then you had only formula. I would’ve breastfed you longer, but you were my first baby and I didn’t know what I was doing. My milk ran out too soon.

The first week, your dad had time off work to spend with us. We were a happy little family in our one-bedroom apartment in Midwest City. Your dad and I were totally enthralled with you. Everyone in both our extended families remarked on how pretty you were and what big blue eyes you had. After 4 weeks, I went back to work, but only part-time. You stayed at Grandma’s house during my shifts. I only lasted 3 months back at work before I had to quit to be with you full-time because your dad got a better job. You were born in October, Daddy got his new job in January, and I became a stay-at-home mom in February.

We moved to a 2-bedroom rental house on Woodside Drive in the winter 2 months or so after you were born. I got up with you every morning, fed you, watched some Price is Right and other shows while you played with your toys, and waited for Daddy to come home every day. Sometimes I took you to Grandma’s house, and sometimes we went shopping during the day. Sometimes your great-grandparents would come to visit.

(When you were almost a month old, you had your first Halloween. We made you a pumpkin. For your next Halloween, you were a skeleton. The next year, Scooby Doo. This last year, a smurf. Daddy, me, you and Cougar were all smurfs.)

Your birth inspired me to make something out of myself and help to better provide for you. I had 20 college credits from Rose State that I’d acquired right after high school, but I hadn’t been in school since then- about 6 years. I did not enjoy school, and I had strong opinions about the actual value of a college degree. But you changed all that. I saw the future in you, and enrolled in an online university that was physically located in Iowa. I was determined to get my bachelor’s degree to help give you a better life. I attended the online school from February 2009 to December 2009.

I became pregnant with your brother around April of 2009, and continued caring for you and doing my schoolwork until I gave birth to Cougar in January. You were 15 months old, and a mischievous, beautiful, very lovable little boy. You started walking on Halloween of 2009. You were very tall and skinny for your age, and I was constantly worried about your food intake. Your dad and I kept your hair long until you were old enough to say you wanted it cut, which was around age 3. Until then, everyone thought you were a little girl because you were so beautiful and had such pretty hair, even though we dressed you like a boy.

Your first Christmas you were the center of attention, being the only grandchild of my parents and only great-grand of my grandparents. All my cousins and aunts and uncles and my brother wanted to hold you and play with you and give you toys. Everyone loved you. Your first birthday party was at Grandma’s house, and she made you a special cake decorated with Tigger. By then, I was six months pregnant and tired all the time, so I let Grandma plan most of the party. Most of your extended family showed up, and you got lots of presents. You were such a happy little boy.

As soon as Cougar was born, everything changed for you, Daddy, and especially me. Cougar was in the hospital most of his life until he was about 5 months old. During that time, I was living in the hospital for week-long stays to be near Cougar, because he was struggling to survive. I missed you so much during those times that I had to be away from you that I was crying a lot. When Cougar finally got to come home for good, we all adjusted to being a 4-person family. You started playing with your brother and everyone was happy.

You had your 2<sup>nd birthday party at the park. It was very windy and the cake I made for you didn’t come out right. However, the cupcakes I made were good, and you enjoyed playing on the swings. That Christmas, you shared the spotlight with your brother and your baby cousin Lexi. You babies were all so cute and dressed up and spoiled rotten.

I believe your dad and I bought a house in April or May of 2011. It’s the house we are living in today (2012). It has 3 bedrooms and 1 and a half bathrooms, so you and Cougar have your own rooms. We have 2 dogs, Sugar and Spice, and 2 cats, OB and Sassy. The house is in a good neighborhood, and the elementary school is only a block or two away. We are also within walking distance of the park. You have the biggest bedroom because you are the oldest child, but you prefer sleeping in the living room with the TV on. You are very scared of the dark, and you have said that you’re scared of your bedroom windows. I cannot figure out why, but you actually sleep most of the time in your bed now. You used to sleep all night in your rocking chair at the rental house. Now it’s either the couch or your bed. You still won’t sleep properly under the covers with your head on a pillow. You sleep all over your bed with lots of random blankets piled around you, and hardly ever with a pillow under your head. You have drawn with crayon and chalk all over your walls, and you have torn up most of your storybooks. I can handle the wall-drawing because I think maybe you are just expressing your creative side, but I cannot stand you destroying books. All books are precious, and I am currently trying to get you to understand that.

Every day you wake me up by throwing off my covers and turning on the light. Then we both go and get Cougar up, and then I make you both something to eat and drink. You two play all day. Today, you woke me up to tell me you had been taking pictures all over the house while I was sleeping. When Daddy came home, we looked at the digital camera and all the pictures you had taken. You did an exceptionally good job for a 3-year-old, shooting many very good quality shots. We saw pictures from your room, the living room, kitchen, and bathroom. You took pictures of yourself in front of the mirror in your room, and pictures of the neighbor’s houses through your window. The most shocking pictures were from the bathroom, because you took pictures of yourself peeing, wee-wee and all. Your dad and I couldn’t stop laughing. I think the word for you right now is precocious.

Fast facts:

When you were born, George Bush (the 2nd one) was president, but a month later, in November, President Obama was elected. I actually took you with me in a baby sling to vote. I am a registered Democrat and your dad has never registered. His reasoning is that he doesn't want to be called for jury duty.

You were born on a leap year.

Your tree is the hazelnut tree.

Jimmy Carter (former president) and Julie Andrews (actress and singer) were born on October 1st.

Disneyworld in Florida was opened on your birthday in 1971.

The first Model T Ford was produced in 1908 on your birthday.

Your plant is ivy.

Your birth flower is marigold.

Your birthstone may be opal, tourmaline, or jasper.

Daddy wanted to name you Shadow and I wanted to name you Rhett. We compromised because we both love cats of all sizes, and especially tigers.</sup>

If 3

If if if if only . . .

If you had to identify the time or moment in your life when you felt the most free, when was it?
After my divorce was finalized . . . that same day, I went to get my ex's initials covered up on my back . . . ended up with a huge tribal butterfly tattoo.  It was extremely painful and I hadn't eaten all day, but the pain fueled me that day.  It was the biggest rush to be able to erase the visible marks the scumbag had left behind.

If you had to name the thing that most limits your freedom, what would it be?
My sense of responsibility.  I know that I have freedom of choice, and I could conceivably drop everything in my life and drive away to start anew in another state.  However, I am a responsible person, and I choose to be with my family.

If you could free yourself from one burden in life, what would it be?
Debt: student loans, medical bills, etc . . .

If you could have changed one thing about your mother's life, what would it be?
I would have made my older brother live.  He died at 3 months old, before I was born, but I know it scarred my mother forever. She had no idea he would be born with serious medical problems, and she loved him so much- her first baby.

If you could take one free service in your home each day, what would you take?
Maid service- the complete housecleaning variety.

If you had to name the best and worst diets you've ever tried, which would win and which would lose?
The worst was the grapefruit diet- I was so hungry I don't think I made it 24 hours.  The best was the Slimfast diet- the snack bars are tasty.

If you had to name the physical characteristic about yourself that most resembles your mother and the one that resembles your father, what would you pick?
Well, I think I look most like my mom, and I know I have her exact color of eyes.  My dad- he's extremely hairy.  Unfortunately, so am I.

If you had to nominate the best-dressed person you know, who would win?
My cousin Laura.  I swear, she always looks good and put together, even when pregnant or sick.

If you had to select one movie sequel that was superior to the original, what would it be?
Evan Almighty- you have to see it to believe it.

If you could learn the total number of hours you have spent in your life doing one thing, what would it be?
I'd like to know how much time I've spent undergoing and recovering from surgery.  It's gotta be a lot.

If you could have only one magazine subscription for life, which would you pick?
Mental Floss- no question about it.  It's the most fascinating magazine I have ever read, by far.

If 2

If you could have any single kind of appliance attached to your bed, what would it be?
I'd like a massager . . . for my back, of course.

If you could have a single button beside your bed that did one thing, what would you want it to do?
Pee for me.  I hate waking up from a comfy, peaceful sleep with a full bladder. 

If you had to describe your worst experience with blood, what would you say?
To avoid any period stories, I would say the time I had to get a PICC line in 2006.  Here's a description I found online: "It is long, slender, small, flexible tube that is inserted into a peripheral vein, typically in the upper arm, and advanced until the catheter tip terminates in a large vein in the chest near the heart to obtain intravenous access." These are typically inserted in patients who have no other usable veins or who will need an IV line at home for an extended period of time.  I was the latter.  At the hospital getting the PICC line, I had no numbing shot or medication to calm me. The nurse tried one arm, and my blood started shooting everywhere- it was painful and horrible.  She managed to get the line in the other arm.  The whole experience was traumatizing.

If you could have had your mind changed on one issue or decision in your lifetime, what would it have been?
I would have stayed in college instead of dropping out after one year.  I also would have gone to a 4-year college at least an hour away from my parents in order to figure out how to be independent.

If you had to name the most dangerous thing you have ever done on purpose, what would it be?
It's probably a tie between dangling my legs off the Grand Canyon and going on dates with strangers I met online.

If you were to have 3 new baby daughters, what would you name them?
Athena, Pearl, and Jaguar. If you know me, then you know why.

If you could change one thing about your country's history, what would you alter?
I would change the way the Indians were treated. 

If you could give a bronze cast of one part of your body to your most recent ex, what part would it be?
My butt, so he could kiss it.

If you had to give the same Christmas gift to everyone you know next Christmas, what would it be?
Some kind of really good, homemade dessert wrapped up prettily.

If you could make one thing come true for one friend, what would it be, and for whom?
I would make my best friend completely healthy and pain-free.

Games

Games. I am addicted to them.  Why?  I don't know.  I realize that I have lots of real-life responsibilities: my job, kids, housework, school, and most importantly, quality time with my hubby.  Yes, I regard that last as a responsibility.  I believe that you have to work to make a relationship last and stay strong, and that requires actual time spent together alone.  I usually rate working on my marriage as one of my top priorities- it is that important to me.

So, anyway, games.  I will start at the beginning: I was raised with a gaming system always present in the house, whether it was the Atari, Nintendo, Gameboy, computer, or whatever else.  From a young age, I played on my dad's Atari and my little brother's Nintendo.  I didn't play as much as my brother because, let's face it, I was a huge bookworm.  I enjoyed watching my brother play in the Nintendo, and we would spend hours with him playing and me writing down codes for him.  The main reason he played more was that I got frustrated when I couldn't pass a level, but he just persevered until he made it.  I will say this for my brother: he was, and is, a very determined person.
I continued watching him play games on the Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, and Xbox, and sometimes participating (especially on the fighting games), right up until I moved out of the house. 

When I was 10 (1993, before the Internet), my dad got our first family computer.  There I found my favorite game-playing format. I loved playing computer games, and I would stay glued to the computer as long as my family would let me.  I played the traditional games like Minesweeper and Solitaire, but I also played Warcraft 1, 2, and 3, Castle of the Winds, Wordzap, Simlife, Simcity, Simtower, and many others. When the Internet arrived at our house, that opened up a whole new world for me.  I played free online games in addition to the above computer games. 

When I was about 23, I discovered the free online game Kingdoms of Loathing, and that became my main game for the next 5 or so years.  When I joined Myspace at age 24, I mostly used it to play games.  When I joined Facebook a couple years later, I used it to play games.  Now I have a Windows phone, Samsung tablet, and a laptop computer- all of which I use to play games.  Right now my favorites are Wordament and Monster Rancher.

Now don't get me wrong- I don't use all those devices exclusively to play games.  I maintain contact with old friends and family through Facebook, I check my email, I pay bills online, I do schoolwork, I keep up with some news, I do research, I read other people's blogs, and I have my own blog.  But I can still spend hours playing online games if I'm left unchecked.