advice for young me

The latest topic:
If I could go back in time, what 3 things would I tell my younger self?

1. To the 14-16 year-old me:  Let your hair down sometimes!  These years are so fleeting, don't spend all your time stuck in a book!  Don't be so self-conscious!  Relax!  And especially to the 15-year-old: go to a psychiatrist and get on Paxil ASAP. One big reason you don't have many friends is because you have an imbalance of serotonin in your brain.  Get your neurotransmitters set straight and make yourself available to other kids your age.  Go to parties and have fun. Don't stress.  Laugh more.

2. To my 17-19 year-old self:  Quit band for high school.  Yeah, it's fun to play instruments and the band kids are cool, but you're not going to need musical skills in your adult life.  You can still go to the football games if you really want to.  With the electives you've just freed up, get a start on your future by going to Vo-tech.  Learn a trade.  This can be your backup plan in case you do something dumb like drop out of college or get married to a strange guy you met on the internet . . .

3. Do not get your wisdom teeth taken out!!!!! I cannot stress this enough.  Whatever damage they do to your pretty post-braces teeth is nothing compared to the horrible agony and years of suffering and surgeries that will befall you if you have them taken out.

Huh.  I want to add a piece of bonus advise to my 19-year-old self:  Do not listen to your parents about college.  They just want you to stay home.  Pick a college far enough away that you have to live in a dorm, and get student loans.  Also, do not drop out.  Finish your degree.

it's really not that bad

So . . . almost every day, I am told by random people variations on the theme that they would never do my job:

"Oh my God!!! I could NEVER do what you do!!!"

"That must be SOOO boring!"

"How do you keep doing your job every day? I wouldn't be able to stand it!"

Really?  I want to tell ask them if they've ever been unemployed, or in some cases, if they've ever worked a day in their lives.  Having worked several different jobs myself, I know how lucky I am to have this particular job in this particular time in my life. 

However, about half of the times I've been confronted about my job, I really am doing something boring.  This activity takes place after all major holidays and entails an hour or two of repetitive motion, sorting, and math skills.

The rest of the time, my job is okay.  I like it because I can fit my hours around my daily life, and I am not constantly supervised.  I also get to work at multiple locations and each one is a change, so it's not really that boring. 

But here's my point:  There comes a time when the average person needs to make money to pay bills.  Not everybody is educated or skilled.  I personally have worked in fast food, retail, warehouses, and door-to-door selling.  There is nothing too low for me.  I would be out panhandling if I had to.  I don't understand people who say they couldn't ever do a job like mine when they haven't even tried it.  Isn't it better than being on the streets?

prehistoric women

Prehistoric Gender Roles

            The first human species evolved about 7 million years ago, according to genetic and fossil evidence, and our birthplace was Africa.  What was it like for our ancient ancestors living in prehistoric times?  It is difficult to reconstruct their lives, because we have little evidence to look at.  Many skeletons have been found, but most of them are missing some bones.  Stone tools have helped shed some light on their activities.  In addition, there has been the very rare perfectly preserved specimen to learn from.  Even with the scarcity of evidence, archeologists, anthropologists, and ethnographers have been able to piece together a picture of the likely daily lives of the first humans. However, prehistory is generally known as the birth of man, and women of ancient times are not given much importance in archeological and anthropologic records.

It is difficult to discern exactly what roles each gender played in prehistoric societies.  For example, “due to the many other randomizing factors that blur patterning in the archaeological record, occasional arrowheads made by females cannot be distinguished from those made, used, or abandoned by males” (Hayden, n. d., p. 34)  So the record ends up showing that men made the tools and weapons.  Women may also have occasionally gone hunting, but again, not often enough to matter to researchers.  The popular idea is that “as human evolution progressed, more and more time was needed to look after infants, so females no longer had time to hunt”  (Ehrenberg, 1989, p. 16).  So, does this mean that women sat at home all day tending to babies and waiting for the men to come home?  The answer is no, because fossil evidence suggests that women had other duties, too.

Women in Prehistoric Art

The first and most famous early image of a human woman is the Venus of Willendorf, found in 1908 in Austria, and dating back around 26,000 years.

 

She was carved from limestone using flint tools.   She has now acquired an identity that “focused suitably, from a patriarchal point of view, on the fascinating reality of the female body” (Witcombe, 2000). Her most prominent features are her breasts and her hips. The whole point of this piece was to depict the fertility of women.

Archeologists have found carved ivory figurines dating back 28,000 years, most of which favored images of women with huge breasts and hips (Flannery &Marcus, 2012).  Men were attracted to women with those womanly attributes because that marked them as good breeders.  Men looked at the function of a woman’s body: breasts contain milk to feed babies, and wide hips indicate good childbearing.  It is not surprising that ancient man focused on the most obvious and functionally relevant areas of a woman’s body when committing it to art.

Division of Labor

One widely supported theory is that the first humans probably lived in troops of thirty or so individuals and foraged together over a large territory, with mature females making up most of the group and males fighting each other for mating opportunities (Leakey, 1994).  They were most likely not monogamous, but worked together to survive.  They lived the hunter-gatherer lifestyle: the men hunted and the women gathered.  These roles developed as a result of the advent of big-game hunting.  Since it was very dangerous to hunt large animals armed only with spears and rocks, men took on the task.  It would also have been difficult for women to hunt while carrying a baby in a sling.  These prehistoric communities could weather the loss of a man, but the loss of a woman of childbearing age could have been disastrous to the population (Ehrenberg, 1989).  Thus, women focused on the safer tasks. 

Sticking to their defined roles, “the men on hunting expeditions would gather berries or plants for their own meals, but they did not participate in the plant-gathering expeditions; they might go along, but they would be hunting or fishing” (Pringle, 1998).  The men’s hunting trips were not always successful, so women may have provided more food for the group than men by foraging for roots and berries and storing them.  This scenario points to the conclusion that women were extremely important to prehistoric societies.

Another school of thought is that prehistoric women may have had a more active role in hunting.  By observing women in the few remaining hunter-gatherer societies and by examining historical accounts of tribal groups with no preconceived ideas about man the mighty hunter, anthropologists have realized that perhaps women did more than gather plants and care for babies.  “Women and children set snares, laid spring traps, sighted game and participated in animal drives and surrounds—forms of hunting that endangered neither young mothers nor their offspring” (Pringle, 1998).  This theory seems very plausible, and certainly there is no contradictory evidence.

In societies such as the proto-Eskimos of the Canadian Arctic 4,000 years ago, plant food was scarce, so men hunted caribou, harpooned seals, and caught fish.  Since men hunted and killed the animals, it was the women’s duty to “process the carcasses into meat, hides, bones, and useful organs” (Flannery & Marcus, 2012, p. 22).  Some men were more skilled at hunting than others, so some women had more carcasses to take care of.  This division of labor was so strictly enforced that the skilled hunters sometimes had two wives so that all the work could get done, rather than helping the women themselves.

Neanderthals were hunter-gatherers in the traditional sense, but they also had separate duties while in camp.  Men spent their time crafting wooden spears and stone tools, while women worked with animal skins and collected firewood (Fagan, 2010).  Women most likely also wove baskets or created animal-hide bags to carry plants in.  They each carried out tasks related to their main occupations, whether it be hunting or gathering.  Some fossil evidence suggests that perhaps male and female Neanderthals worked together to drive large animals off cliffs and butcher them at the bottom (Fagan, 2010).  It would have taken several people to scare a group of large animals enough to make them run off a cliff, so perhaps entire families or communities were involved.  The reward would have been an abundance of fresh meat to share.

The hunter-gatherer way of life survived until the twentieth century in Australia because the continent was so isolated from the other, more fertile, continents.  From the beginning of Australia’s human occupation, groups of one or two families camped together.  On a typical day, the women would be out gathering grass seeds or digging for lizards and honey ants; the men might go out to hunt kangaroo or emu, or stay in camp and sleep (Cook, 2003).  This was their way of life until other humans discovered the land by boat.

Women Inventors

Women have been credited with the discovery of multiple uses for fibers, dating back 30,000 years, and spurring what is now known as the String Revolution.  Evidence suggests that women figured out how to use fibers to make string, which led to the creation of snares, fish lines, tethers and leashes, carrying nets, packages, net hunting, and weaving textiles on looms (Adovasio, Soffer, & Page, 2007).  This is a relatively new discovery, because until recently, the ancient stone tools that were found were considered the most important artifacts.  Fiber is more perishable than stone, so there are not as many examples to examine.  However, now that the discovery has been made, and evidence identified, we can infer what other uses those prehistoric women found for the fiber. 

Women may also have been the driving force behind farming. The remains of a culture that had lived in Arizona 3,500 years ago show evidence in the femurs of the people that men were still spending most of their time hunting, while women were staying in one place, likely working with growing plants (Anonymous, 2007).  However, agriculture was invented at least 10,000 years ago, and women are assumed to have begun the process because they were in charge of gathering while men were off hunting. 

Did women invent language?  There is a theory that suggests that women had a greater need for communication, so they may have started vocalizing first.  Women needed to communicate with other women about which plants were poisonous, and probably other topics, and they struggled to get their messages across.  It probably started as sign language or cave painting, but eventually became the spoken word.

It is very difficult researching women of prehistoric times because much of the data was collected by male archeologists.  Men have tended to give history a decidedly male slant.  Apparently, no one questioned the findings of these esteemed men until some female archeologists and anthropologists spoke up in the mid-1900s.  Now we have much more information about prehistoric women, but we still have a long way to go toward squashing the gender bias in research.

Richie Rich?

The question of the moment is: What would I do with a million tax-free dollars?

Yeah. I know. Cheesy question, right?  The classic daydreaming question.  Well, it's what popped into my mind, so there.

My husband and I have discussed this scenario many times, so I have some ideas.

First, I would take care of my family's basic needs: buy a better home with more land and pay off all the old bills.  So, let's say I budget in $250,000 for the home, and $50,000 to pay off old bills.

That leaves me with $700,000. 

Next, I would add a tornado shelter and very secure fencing all around my new property, thus ensuring my family's safety.  I'd also add solar panels to the roof so we could have a clean energy source and save on the electric bill.  Let's cap the amount for this at an even $150,000, just to be cautious, because I'm not sure about the cost of solar panels.

Of course, I would help my parents out in some way . . . I'm not sure what they would agree to take from me, but I'd be willing to spend up to $50,000.

I have two young sons, so I would set up trust funds for them, $25,000 each.

Okay . . . $450,000 left . . .

I'd donate some money toward researching various diseases, especially the ones affecting children: probably my local children's hospital and also St. Jude's children's hospital.  I'd also make sure some money went toward researching so-called "incurable" diseases.  Oh yeah, and I'd give money to some foundation like Make a Wish.  Anything to lift the spirits of sick children.  $150,000 here.

The rest I would try to save as long as possible.  Oh, I'm sure I'd buy some things for myself, but I wouldn't go crazy with it.  I know that money can buy lots of things, but it can't buy love or happiness.  As my very wise friend told me recently: "You have to be happy with yourself, accept yourself the way you are."  No amount of money can change a person's innate sense of self.  That has to come from within.

body image

As a girl, I always wanted to have a body like my mom's: curvy.  I figured I would because typically girls end up with bodies similar to their mothers.  That was the expectation.  The reality was that I was still waiting for boobs well into my twenties.  I was optimistic about the situation until high school, when all the other girls (it seemed) had developed womanly figures.  But when I reached age 19, I decided to own my body.  I stopped wearing quite so many baggy T-shirts and started dating a lot more.  I also acquired a distaste for plastic surgery. I would read articles about celebrities having all kinds of surgeries to "improve" their looks and I would tell myself that I would never do that. 

That was before I went through pregnancy twice.  I went from being a super-skinny beanpole of a woman to . . . . . . .

Well, at least I got some decent hips out of the bargain.  I actually grew small breasts, too.  But I also grew a tummy that wouldn't quit growing after giving birth.  I went from 125 pounds to about 190 pounds in the course of my two pregnancies.  The belly pooch will not go away, and my weight has not dropped below 172 in almost 5 years.  It's usually around 180.  I currently try to do 100 crunches and 5 minutes on an exercise bike every day, in addition to taking diet pills and eating smaller portions. 

Yeah.

So I have a new attitude toward plastic surgery and the people who can afford it.  Sometimes having a little nip here and a tuck there can be a good thing.  I have a lot of issues with my face and body, but I would never change my looks so much that I would be unrecognizable.  So I don't see facial plastic surgery in my future.  However, I wouldn't mind getting some boobs and a tummy tuck. 

women's culture

Women’s Culture

                Women have always had differences from men.  Women naturally evolved over the changing times to perform certain duties and fulfill certain roles in life.  A “women’s culture” developed in the nineteenth century, that emphasized “housework, child care, the servicing of men, the care of the elderly,” and the maintenance of family life (Leonardo, 2009, p. 385).  This women’s culture extends even to today, because women are still the ones who maintain kinship ties through various means that have changed over the years. 

In the 1800s, the concept of "women's sphere" involved women gaining control of the household because men were working away from home.  The sphere was the home and all the work associated with it, including household chores and raining children.  Women had absolute authority over the household.  Women gained value because they were being recognized as the crucial source of maternal affection and family values.  The sphere also enabled women to have long-term, supportive, and empathetic friendships with other women (Woloch, 2006).  Women could finally share their thoughts and feelings with other women who understood and truly cared.  With their new power within the home, women began expressing their right to refuse sexual advances and limit the number of children they had (Woloch, 2006).  This was the beginning of the more modern culture of women today.

Women today have mastered the work of kinship, mostly because they have been the gender considered responsible for maintaining kinship ties.  Working on kinship ties utilizes various methods of connection, including visits, letters, phone calls, presents, greeting cards, and the organization of holiday gatherings (Leonardo, 2009).  As the female head of my household for the past ten years, I have taken on the responsibility of maintaining kinship ties as a matter of course.  It never crossed my mind to not provide this service for my family, and sometimes it does take much of my time.  I am the person who is expected to organize birthday parties for my kids, help my mom with holiday plans, send occasional greeting cards, do the shopping for birthday and holiday presents, and keep in touch with extended family members through various means such as social networking.  I also try to make regular visits to my parents and grandparents in order to keep up my family’s relationships with them.

Within the women’s culture, women have taken on the added responsibility of retaining kinship ties with extended family members.  This includes cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents.  Women are the ones who arrange for the elderly relatives to be placed in nursing homes if the family has no room.  Women are the ones who visit these relatives in the nursing homes.  Basically, women are expected to be in control of any and everything that pertains to kin.

References

Leonardo, M. (2009). The female world of cards and holidays. Gender in cross-cultural

                perspective (5th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Woloch. N. (2006). Women and the American experience: a concise history 2006 (5th ed).

 

30

Today is my birthday.  What have I really accomplished in 30 years?  As a child, I expected to be in about the same position as my mom: married with kids and a college degree.  I think I intended to end up living in Moore, because that's what I always promised my grandma.  However, as I got older I realized what it takes to have all those things I expected to have.  It takes work to find the right man to marry and to father your kids.  It takes a lot of determination and motivation to get a college degree.  As of today, I have the husband and kids, but I'm still a year away from getting my degree. 

I started the day feeling depressed, because I really haven't done anything extraordinary with my life.  I always thought I'd be publishing books by now.  Now I know that while I like to read and write, I lack the skill necessary to write in a professional capacity.

So, I counted my blessings.  I have a husband who loves me.  I have two beautiful boys who love me.  I have a roof over my head and a vehicle to drive.  I have a job with very flexible hours that allows me to stay home with my kids a lot.  I have people in my life who will support me during difficult times.  I have a friend to talk to about subjects that I can't talk to my mom or husband about. 

I have it better than many other people in the world, so I shouldn't be griping about anything.

songs and memories

I like a wide range of music, and I just saw this saying on Facebook:

Listen to songs that make you smile
Not because of the words or music
But because of the memories behind them!

So I thought I'd list some songs and memories of my own . . .

Madonna's "Beautiful Stranger" reminds me of when I was 16 (1999) and working nights at Dairy Queen.  After closing, we'd turn up the sound system while we cleaned.  I would sing and dance as I worked, and I remember having lots of fun at that job.  My co-workers were the best. 

Fiona Apple's "Criminal" reminds me of driving on the interstate- going home from a scandalous night.  I was 20 and single and feeling indescribable.  I had the windows down, the wind in my hair, and I was singing, "I've been a bad, bad, girl . . ."

Abba songs remind me of my mom when she used to listen to her albums on the record player as she cleaned the house . . . I was really young.

"Don't You (Forget About Me)" by the Simple Minds reminds me of when I was first getting to know my husband.  We connected over our mutual love of 1980s movies. 

"Respect" by Aretha Franklin also reminds me of my husband, because I used to sing along to it when it played at JC Penney's.  We both worked before the store opened, so I would be stocking towels or something, and singing loudly and sometimes dancing.  He caught me at it a few times.

"Funky Cold Medina" by Tone Loc reminds me of one of my high school best friends, because the song mentions her name.

The One Foot in the Grave album by Beck reminds me of driving home from my night French classes at OCCC when I was 19. 

Several songs, including "Get Down Tonight" and "Centerfold" remind me of being in my high school band and playing my sax at all the football games.

"I Will Buy You a New Life" and "Father of Mine" by Everclear remind me of growing up with my brother, because we both liked those songs.

"You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette takes me back to all the times a boy or man ever did me wrong.  I like to scream it at the top of my lungs when I'm feeling angry, and I've been known to play it on repeat after a breakup.

think

THINK!!


Flowers won't work. Traditional candy won't work. Stuffed animals won't work.
If you are in the doghouse, don't try any of those things. If you truly know me, then you can do much better. I once had a song written for me- music and lyrics. The guy recorded it using a 4-track, so there were four parts. It was so thoughtful and nice- of course this is the same guy who gave me a king size dark chocolate Hershey bar every week. I really had to weigh the pros and cons with him.
There was a guy I dated who made me drive to his house for every date. He hardly ever drove out to my house. He treated me like crap and didn't do anything creative. I believe we used eachother, with the scales tipping more toward him.
What I want to say is please don't be lazy. Think before you gift. No more flowers. I really don't know what to do with them unless they are meant to be planted in the front yard. If you get me candy, please please no king size anything. No stuffed animals unless we are at a carnival. Be original, be thoughtful, THINK.
You know I love cheese curds. Order some for me. I love it when you surprise me with donuts.  You know I'm lusting after some particular book?? Slip it under my pillow. You know my favorite comedians- if they are coming to town, get tickets. Buy me champagne. Panties. Turn on my favorite song when I walk into the room. THINK.

best authors

So, the best authors ever(in my opinion).
I will start with my qualifications:
1) I have been reading for 24 years- I'm almost 30 now.
2) I read all genres, but I will be focusing on fiction for this blog.
3) Never mind that I read the Anne of Green Gables series in 3rd or 4th grade, never mind about the Laura Ingalls Wilder books or even the Madeleine L'Engle books I read around the same time. I read Gone With the Wind in 5th grade.
4) I read at least one book a day until I got my first job at age 16- at which point I still managed at least 3 books a week.
5) In junior high I was reading 100 pages an hour- and retaining the information.
For as long as I can remember, I have been devouring books at a pretty fast pace. I relish the bittersweet minutes spent reading the last few pages of a really good book. It is absolute torture when that fantasy world has ended. The ideal situation is to finish a book in bed, go to sleep, and start a new book in the morning. However, I will read books back to back if I must.

Piers Anthony
I was first introduced to this author by my mom, who read Demons Don't Dream and passed it on to me. So of course I started with the Xanth series and moved on the the Mode series. I sadly would've left it there, but I had a dry spell and visited a used bookstore. There I found my favorites of his books. Rings of Ice, Killobyte, Race Against Time, Orn, etc. These forgotten books don't even exist at the library and are hard to find online.  I picked up Spider Legs at Waldenbooks, and that is a must-read for sure. Dream a Little Dream I also got at Waldenbooks. One must-read series available at the library is the Geodyssey series. Piers Anthony is a very well-written prolific author. I hope he lives to see his books on the big screen. Please don't let him pull an Isaac Asimov or Douglas Adams. A Spell for Chameleon should be coming out as a movie eventually.

Jennifer Crusie
I just love Jennifer Crusie. Her writing style is so light and fresh, and her sex scenes are always original. Romance is usually my fall-back for when I have nothing else to read, but I will Crusie anytime. She comes up with the wackiest characters and most insane situations. There is absolutely no other author like her, or even close. I just wish she cranked out more books faster. I would recommend Getting Rid of Bradley as a good introduction to her work.

Nora Roberts
It has to be said, Nora Roberts produces more books per year than many other authors- and they are all worth reading. I can tell an NR book from any other because her style is just so obviously hers. She writes more than just romance now, too. She writes thrillers and murder mysteries and lately some paranormal. Her new hardbacks are most likely thrillers, her JD Robb books are murder mysteries, and her paperbacks are romance. She's a very smooth read.  I would recommend starting with The Bride Quartet series.

Laurell K. Hamilton
For an introduction to this author I would recommend her collection of short stories, Strange Candy. I personally stumbled across her while browsing in the sci-fi section of Waldenbooks. I read the back of Guilty Pleasures and decided to try it. I was immediately hooked within the first chapter and I just can't get enough of the strange alternate worlds she created. Her Anita Blake series and her Merry Gentry series are so rich and powerful that I need a breather after reading from them.

25 random facts

25 random things about me. 

1.  I have 2 beautiful boys: Tyger and Cougar.
2.  I love to read. It is my favorite thing to do. I mostly read murder mysteries and supernatural fiction, but I also enjoy a good romance or sci-fi. I love Piers Anthony's non-Xanth stand-alone books, everything Laurell K. Hamilton writes, Jennifer Crusie's romantic suspense, and of course Nora Roberts- to name a few.
3. I am on my 11th job since turning 16. In order from first to current: Dairy Queen, Hastings, American Greetings, Hobby Lobby warehouse, Kirby, Fabricut warehouse, Wal-Mart(2), Popeye's, JC Penney, Walmart again, AG again.
4. I have 8 tattoos. Flower armband, frog prince, cute dragon, peace man, little turtle, tiger, cougar, butterfly.
5.  I can drive a stick.
6.  I was born with red hair.
7. I do my own taxes every year. 
8. I am married to a man 11 years older than myself. To put this in perspective, he graduated high school in 1991 and I graduated in 2002. It's really spooky how much alike we are, considering how differently we were raised.
9. My mom is my best friend besides my husband and Rachael. She has always been there for me, no matter what. She understands me and encourages me. We've had several adventures together that have brought us closer. She even drove me to Texas to get my first tattoo even though she didn't approve! and she ended up getting one, too.
10. I have an incurable disease that causes bone deposits to grow in my right jaw area. It's called myositis ossificans and it's very rare for it to appear in the jaw. I've had several surgeries, including the removal of my entire right jaw joint- that one made my face look uneven, but oh well. Now I have a completely artificial right jaw joint.  Titanium, baby.
11. I have a huge sweet tooth. It's mostly donuts, cookies, muffins, brownies, and cinnamon rolls that do me in. I am trying to lose the baby weight, but I keep CRAVING that stuff. I really can't help myself.
12. I haven't had a vacation in almost 13 years. I usually end up spending my paid time off from work in the hospital having surgeries or having babies.
13. For my first baby: I was at work on the last day of September when my contractions started. I worked a full 8 hours and then went home. My husband convinced me to go to the hospital a few hours later, but I was 7 cm dilated before I got an epidural. Talk about pain. Then I slept all night and the next day the epidural wore off and I went into active labor. I had that baby with basically no medication. That was the most pain I have ever felt, but Tyger was worth it.
14. I have no sense of smell.
15.  As a child, I felt so out of place that I almost convinced myself that I was an alien.
16. I moved 7 times in 8 years, and I HATE moving.
17.  When Tyger was a baby, strangers told me I should enter him in contests because he was so beautiful.
18. I worry a lot, and try to think of all possible outcomes in every situation and plan for them.
19. I used to have a close relationship with my brother and I miss it. I miss the long talks and playing video games and watching movies. I guess it's all part of growing up.
20.  I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead.
21. My personality is like my dad's. We are both laid back and quiet. We have similar thought patterns and we get eachother's jokes.
22. I don't like wearing socks or shoes.
23.  Sometimes I wish I had a vice like smoking because I get so stressed out.
24. I rarely like shopping. Sometimes I can enjoy grocery shopping or browsing for books, but that's about it.
25.  It takes me three times longer than the average person to tie my shoes.

good books

I want to list some books here that I have read and really enjoyed, mostly so that I don't forget them. I'll add to the list as I remember them . . .

Sunshine by Robin McKinley
The Poison Study by Maria V. Snyder
The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh
Veracity by Laura Bynum
Passage by Connie Willis
Elixer by Gary Braver