Can't sleep, may as well do this.

 Tonight, I am awake and not quite ready for bed.  My oldest son is snoring on the couch next to me. 

What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep, toss and turn, or get up and do something? 

First, I will try the tossing and turning to maybe find a more comfortable sleeping position and thus be able to go back to sleep.  However, that usually doesn't work, so I will get up and do something.  The "something" may involve a snack, the TV, the computer, or a book.  On a rare occasion, I might even do a chore like the dishes or laundry.

 What’s something you should throw away, but can’t?  Explain.

The first, most obvious item is my original marriage certificate and divorce decree from my first marriage.  I can't throw them away because I have to keep a record of it due to my name changes and identity thieves.  Also, my husband is a pack rat.  I would love to throw away all of his white underwear, his ugly green chair, and many other useless things.

 Who’s the smartest person you know?

Sometimes I think it's my dad, sometimes I just don't know.  Everyone is smart or talented in at least one area, so it's difficult to judge.  My dad is more math/science/logic smart.  My husband is more instinctual/street smart.  My brother is financially/business smart.  

 What’s something about yourself that you hope will change, but that probably never will?

I would love to stop being a procrastinator about finishing things I start.  I would also like to stop making snap decisions and following through immediately without thinking it through.  There has to be a middle ground, but I doubt I will ever find it.

 Are you a rule breaker or a rule keeper? Why?

 That depends on the situation.  I've broken laws such as buying cigarettes and alcohol for underage people, jaywalking, and speeding.  These days I like to follow rules that keep me out of jail for the most part, but I would break a rule if it was for a good cause.

Do you have a collection?  If so, what do you collect and why?
I have a lot of books.  I would call that a collection.  I try to read at least 2 books every week, and most of them are library books.  The collection of books I have are the ones that I like to read over and over and/or that have special meaning to me.

 Do you think the world will be better or worse 100 years from now?

Who really knows?  I'm going to take the optimistic view: I say that 100 years from now, we will have sufficiently harnessed the planet's natural energies, such as wind and solar power- AND that we rely on those natural power sources rather than the ones that cause pollution.  In this ideal world, all the countries get along and work together to ensure the future of mankind.  There will be easy solutions to today's serious medical diseases, such as forms of cancer, Hepatitis C, the common cold, diabetes, etc. Perhaps genetic manipulation would be allowed in some cases of babies in the womb with serious health issues.

 Have you ever wished you were the opposite sex?  Explain.

Yes, of course.  I have wished I were a man, but just for a day or two- no longer than a week.  I just want to know what it's like to have a penis and what I can do with it.  I have never met a female who has not wondered about this.  

To Hell with Tradition! (Oh, who am I kidding?)

Tradition

Every culture has traditions, every sub-culture has traditions, every FAMILY has traditions.  Some are wonderful, and some are a burden.

For example, I LOVE eating Easter breakfast at my Grandma's house.  My entire maternal family shows up, and we eat fried breakfast foods galore. Yummy.  It's the only day of the year that I enjoy waking up in the morning.  But here's the flip side: who does the cooking? For most of my life, it was my grandma.  For the last few years, it's been my mom.  Guess who's next in line if we want to keep this tradition alive? Moi, although it will hopefully not happen for a couple decades.    And I'll do it for the sake of my kids and keeping the family tradition (and secret recipe) alive.

And that is what I'm getting at.  The mantle eventually being passed to me.  When my parents are too old, I will most likely have to host Christmas and Thanksgiving at my house.  That's a lot of work.  My mom brought the reality home to me this season, because this year I have not been physically able to help her at all.  Christmas is today, and most of my extended maternal family will be at my parent's house to celebrate.  My mom has to do 95% of the cooking this year, plus make sure the house is clean and decorated and set up for several guests.  She is understandably upset with me right now, but we'll talk it out soon.

The fact of the matter is that I am not physically capable of doing much of anything right now, and it's at the point that my job is threatened and I'm on too many meds.  How am I supposed to cook several side dishes and desserts when both of my arms are in constant pain and partially frozen (due to a bad type of edema)?  And that's not even mentioning the other medical crap that is slowly but surely dragging me down.

I hope the edema is gone by next year, and I will make it up to my mom by cooking up a storm to ease her burden so she can relax a bit.  She does so much for me and my family, and she has her own health issues.  No matter what, we must carry on! We must keep the family traditions alive for my kids and future generations!

my love story

My Love Story

There is a song by Beck called “Debra” and it begins, “I met you at JC Penney . . .” It’s always been one of my favorite songs, ever since I found Beck’s music as a teenager- and in particular, the album Midnite Vultures.  If you want to listen to the actual song with an unofficial (but hilariously accurate) music video, here you go: 

Debra by Beck

So anyway, 2007 was a transition year for me, mostly full of strife and major life changes.  I had left a job I loved (Popeye’s on base) to work at JC Penney for less pay and even less reason.  The only good thing to come out of that year was meeting Troy.

I was hired as sales support, to eventually end up on the stocking team.  Troy was hired to be the receiver- the person who works on the dock receiving trucks.  We were both there before this particular store had its grand opening, and we helped bring it from an empty building space to a full store of merchandise.  Once the store was opened, we began our regular shifts.  We happened to have almost the same schedule, and we both had to start at 5 am or earlier each day. 

When Troy wasn’t busy receiving trucks, he helped my team stock.  I had a lot of fun with that team, joking around and having dirty discussions to embarrass the youngest team member.  Eventually- I really don’t remember how long it took- Troy and I began talking at work in the backroom as we opened boxes and prepared stuff to be stocked.  The whole team was around us, but I started making a point to work near Troy whenever possible.  If he was on the dock, I would come up with reasons to go back there- for example, to throw away trash and cardboard.  He was the person usually responsible for making bales when the baler was full, so I had him teach me how to do it. 

I don’t remember what we talked about at work, but eventually he gave me his phone number.  He knew I was going through some tough times, and he said I could call him if I needed to talk.  I think I called that same night.  We spent several nights talking on the phone for 8 hours straight- all night.  I would sit on the floor with my phone plugged into the charger.  I was 24 and he was 35 and we were acting like silly teenagers.

We began dating in the last week of September of 2007, and we moved in together in November.  I found out I was pregnant on my birthday, in February of 2008.  We were married in April of 2008 and Tyger was born that October.  Cougar was born in January of 2010. 

He is the only person- male or female- to get me to watch scary movies.  He has also introduced me to some of my now-favorite films, such as Full Metal Jacket, The Green Mile, and The Shawshank Redemption. 

For the curious, we bonded over several things, despite the 11-year age difference.  We both love 80s music and movies, for one thing.  Our song is even the theme song for The Breakfast Club.  We both felt like misfits, misunderstood by society.  We both have incurable diseases to compare notes and sympathize about- I know that one sounds bad, but we don’t care what other people think about it.  We are both naturally quiet, loner types until you get to know us.  We are both interested in crime- not committing it, but watching others and trying to understand it.  We like a lot of the same shows.  This may sound hokey, but we each felt a “click” when we met, like we were meant to be.

The Woman Code

Every human female of an age to understand she is a woman shall abide by the Woman Code.  Women have historically been perceived as the lesser gender, and been taken advantage of.  Our bodies may be weaker, but our minds are wilier.  We, as a pack, as a gender, are craftier and stronger in spirit than men realize.  Aren't we the life-bringers, the child rearers, the homemakers, the career women, the teachers, the lovers, the caretakers, and the defenders of our families?  We do it all because we are in an age where we must, and we women are the only ones who understand.  But some ancient ideas/rules hold true, and they shall be known here as the Woman Code.

- When we reach the age of dating, we do not steal each other's boyfriends or move in on a friend's interest.  As married adults, we do not wreck marriages by tempting otherwise loyal husbands to stray.  Sometimes relationships do not work out, and they do not need the added stress of cheating.  The mistresses/secret lovers defend themselves by saying that the wife/girlfriend should have kept her man interested and he wouldn't have strayed.  This may be true in some cases, but it is still WRONG to actively chase after an attached man.

- Women must never reveal their true power over men.  It is not sex, it is all in the mind.  A woman figures out her man pretty quickly, and knows how to get what she wants while making him think it was his idea.  However, this must be done delicately so that he never figures it out.

- The bond of sisterhood and friendship must be unbreakable even through long periods of no communication.  A woman may find her kindred spirit, and with that person she can pick up wherever they left off, however long it's been.  Meanwhile, shared secrets are sacred and promises are not to be broken.

- Women must stick together.  We are all we have against the tyranny of men.  There are many more men in power than women, so we must do what we can to make our voices heard.  We must get out and vote, hold our ground, speak our minds, and refuse to be silenced or ignored.  Sometimes it has to come down to chicks over dicks.


***this is a work in progress and I would appreciate any help . . . please comment below.***

The Bone Monster and me- my battle with myositis ossificans.

My Battle with the Bone Monster

Today I received all my medical records from my oral surgeon’s office.  I’ve been looking through them and discovering things I did not know and remembering things that make me want to cry even now. 

It all started in the summer of 2001, right before I started my senior year of high school.  I was 18 and I had all four of my wisdom teeth taken out.  No biggie, right?  Yeah . . . that was the beginning of my battle with the bone monster, which is commonly referred to as myositis ossificans.  However, I was not properly diagnosed for five months, during which time I was tortured and underwent numerous tests and procedures.

Needless to say, I had a pretty crappy senior year, and no one could understand why I had to leave school early every Friday for a couple months.  The doctor was sedating me and "cranking" me every week.  This entailed the doctor putting me to sleep and using a crank to open my jaw.  

My friends could not sympathize. I went into a deep depression that continues to this day.

Within a month of having my wisdom teeth removed, my mouth opening had reduced to less than 1 cm.  The original doctor tried a few different medications and manipulations of my jaw, and I was eventually referred to my current oral surgeon, whom I call my favorite doctor of all time, Dr. Michael Duffy.

For those of you who are healthy and/or have never had a rare or undiagnosed disease, it is extremely disconcerting and emotionally draining to have your motives questioned as a patient.  One doctor in particular, I will call him Dr. Pain (for obvious reasons), believed the symptoms I was experiencing were psychosomatic.  Essentially, he was accusing me of making it up and clenching my jaw on purpose.  I will never forget one torture session, in which he forced my mouth open with tongue depressors and stuck something in it (a bite block?) to keep it open for an extended period of time.  I was crying and screaming and the nurses looked horrified.  To this day, I believe he caused me much unnecessary harm and definitely aggravated the disease.  I also blame him primarily for knocking out two of my teeth and giving me black eyes during a procedure that entailed two doctors, one on either side of me, cranking my jaw open on both sides at the same time.

Thankfully, Dr. Duffy did not believe my problem was psychological.  He was kind and patient and very smart.  In his notes, he says, “This is an unusual case, very unusual, very difficult and I’ve never seen anything like this in 30 years of practice.” He went on to consult with doctors all over America and do research back to 1966.

Essentially, I was found to have myositis ossificans affecting my coronoid, pterygoid, masseter, and temporalis muscles- all around my right jaw joint.  My opening closed to 2 mm at the worst point, and I could barely eat, could not brush the inside of my teeth, had difficulty speaking and laughing, and when I was sick I almost choked on my own vomit because my mouth just would not open.  I had to take a strong drug called Didronel for several months, which was supposed to stop all bone growth in my body and cost $200 a month.  At the time, this was an experiment, because no one had ever used this drug for this specific disease in this specific area of the body. 

Every surgery I had related to this disease is described in detail in Dr. Duffy’s notes.  He used phrases like “We got a huge chunk of bone out of there” and “It’s really impressive what has happened with her bone since we took her off Didronel . . . She’s laid down twice as much bone.”  Also, during the second major surgery I had for this condition, his notes say, “Once the mandible was exposed . . . low and behold the area of bony attachment was much wider, thicker, and greater than I thought.” During that surgery they took out a lot of bone and put in a titanium plate.

A couple years later, my opening was totally shut down again, requiring another major surgery. Doctor’s notes from that one included: “This was just unbelievable what had taken place. The [titanium] plate and screws had bone over it.  She had completely filled in our gap and then some . . . I had to grind the bone off of the plate and screws . . . we took off the first section and got a big huge piece of bone . . . I mean this was impressive. I’ve never seen anything like this and probably never will again.”  Yeah. They took everything out that time- all the muscles involved, the titanium plate, the bone, and my right jaw joint.  The theory was that now there should be nothing left for bone to grow on.

(Incidentally, this is when I began having my problems with painful swelling in various places after surgery, getting more severe with each surgery I had.  This problem has yet to be diagnosed, and it is going on 10 years.)

So fast forward 5 years from that last surgery to 2011.  A CT scan showed that I had not laid down any bone at all, and Dr. D thought I was ready for reconstruction of my jaw and joint.  I was ready, my insurance approved it, and it happened in November of 2011.  The point of this surgery was to fix my facial deformity, which was caused by the last surgery that removed the muscles and joint on the right side of my jaw.  Yes, it had opened my mouth to a point it had never been since I had my wisdom teeth out, but it also caused me to literally lose my smile and any symmetry in my face.  Deaf people could no longer read my lips (one deaf lady got furious with me, thinking I was mocking her). I was deeply depressed about my appearance.  During the reconstructive surgery, the right side of my jaw was fitted with a specially designed titanium plate, and I got a titanium right joint. The end result of the reconstructive surgery was okay, but I still can’t smile without looking deranged, my right eye leaks, and my right eyebrow can't arch.  At least I’m hinged again, although I used to love telling people I was unhinged. 

And this may not be the end of the story.  The Bone Monster could come back any time, and my titanium joint will eventually wear out. 

Also, on a sad note, Dr. Duffy is retiring next year.  He told me a couple months ago, and I burst out crying.  Right in front of him and his nurse.  I was inconsolable, even as I drove home, and I realized that this man, this wonderful, special, one-in-a-million doctor had become a fixture in my life and a father figure.  He has always been there for me when I needed him, and I will miss him dearly.

Just Chillin'

If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would it be? 

_____________________________________________________

I imagine I can include famous people and family I'd like to meet.  I will start will the famous ones:

The most obvious one who comes to mind is John Lennon.  I would probably be starstruck, but if I got over that bit I would just like to hang out with him for awhile.  Talk to him and maybe Yoko about life.

Piers Anthony- the author of many of my favorite books.  He is notoriously private, lives on a tree farm in Florida, and is well into his 70s.  I would LOVE to sit down with him and discuss science and religion and politics and what inspires him.

Laurell K. Hamilton- author of the Anita Blake series.  I would like to talk with her about her books, but also about love and belief systems and research.

I can't forget Jimmy Fallon, my favorite comedian, SNL alum, and late night host.  He seems like a genuinely nice guy who likes making people laugh.  If I met him, I would just like to have a random conversation and be an audience member on his show.

Some other famous people I wouldn't mind meeting are Micky Dolenz, Jennifer Crusie, Chelsea Clinton, Ani Difranco, Beck, and Susan Sarandon.  That I can think of right now, anyway.

I am very curious about my ancestry, and I would like to meet a bunch of my ancestors.  I want to know where they were during big moments of history, and I'd like to trace them as far back as the beginning of the line.  Were any of them influential or famous, or did any of them hobnob with history-makers?  I want to know what countries they came from, and why each of them decided to come to America, and when exactly that was.  What were the occupations of my ancestors?  What were they talented at?  What did they do for fun?  Did any of them live in a castle, keep, mud hut, or log cabin?

Not Kicking the Bucket

List things you want to do before you die.

1.     

Travel by car, bus, or train across America.  I’ve been to the East coast and the Northern and Southern borders, so I would like to make my way leisurely West to California first.  I would visit San Francisco and then start heading North, again at my own pace.  I’m sure if this trip were actually going to happen, I would do some research and stop at interesting places along the way.  I would go all the way to Seattle, just to check it out.  Then I’d head East, see Wyoming, and end up in Minnesota because I’ve never been to the Mall of America.  From there I would make my way to New York City, where I would visit Central Park for an entire day, and hopefully see a show on Broadway.  After that, I’d start heading back home because I’ve already been to Florida twice and New Orleans once.  I’d like to drive through some mountains at some point.  The whole point of this trip would be to relax and enjoy myself and not be in a hurry, in addition to exploring my country.

2.    Have a spa day. I’ve never been pampered.  I’ve never had a massage of any kind.  I’ve never had a pedicure.  I’ve never had any kind of treatments that spas offer.  I am 30, I work hard, I’ve birthed 2 kids, I’ve been through a lot of medical crap, and I think I deserve it.  BEFORE I die.

3.    I’d like to try hang-gliding or sky-diving or something similar.  Something to give me the feeling of flying.

4.    Visit Ireland for a month.  I want enough time to really explore on my own in addition to taking guided tours.  I want to sit in pubs and observe the locals.  I want to see castles and ruins.  I want to lie down on a green, green, field and watch the clouds.  I want to see all the little out-of-the-way places.

5.    I want to read all the books I possibly can.  My to-read list is already over 100, and I want to read them ALL.  The problem is that life interferes with my reading and I add more books to the list on a regular basis, so I can never catch up.  I feel like I need to read all the classics, in addition to all the other more modern books I’m interested in.

Winning isn't everything, and it is certainly NOT the only thing.

WINNING:
- Coming in first place in a competition, whether it be athletic or scholastic or poker.
- Earning a trophy, medal, or badge proclaiming victory.
- Succeeding in life, including completing goals such as earning a college degree and landing the ideal job.
- Meeting your soulmate, because there are literally billions of fish in the sea.
- Gambling successfully, like picking the right lottery numbers, or getting lucky at the nickel slots.

Those are some of many definitions of winning, and everyone likes to win.  Even me.  If you work hard at something, train your butt off, and seriously persevere, you deserve some recognition.  This is not like giving to charity- that should be a personal sense of satisfaction not to be bragged about.  I am talking about winning first place in a spelling bee or sporting event.  You deserve a trophy and some recognition of your skills.  The old and traditional first, second, and third place trophies or medals are a good system, so why are some people messing it up?

More and more kids are being brought up to expect an award for just showing up. Simply participating.  Should these kids get trophies?  I don't think so.  If they are working, striving, and dedicating their time to improving their skills and then they WIN a competition?  Yes.  Not every person deserves to be rewarded.  If you don't put in the time and you don't reach the top, you need to learn to work harder or find something to do that you are better at.  Rewarding everyone may be the "nice" thing to do, but it will make people lazy.  How many works of art or new inventions won't be created because people have become too complacent?

How do we teach our children to continuously strive for greatness?  Give them challenges.  Don't let them "win" everything until the word means nothing.  Make winning something to be celebrated because of all the work put into achieving it.  They must learn that everything in life must be earned, and not given to them on a silver platter.  Life is difficult, tricky, confusing, and a long road.  I personally learned this in the worst possible way, and I hope to prepare my boys for adult life better than I was prepared.  You really, really don't realize how good you had it until you leave the nest.

And then there is
LOSING:
- Finishing dead last in a competition.
- Dropping out of high school.
- Never setting or meeting life goals.
- The inability to sustain a lasting relationship.
- Losing money on gambling and not knowing when to quit.
- Breaking the law greater than a misdemeanor.

Nobody likes losing, but some people get stuck in a rut and get used to it.  Recidivism.  Yes, there are losers in life, just like there are winners.  It's a cycle, and all we can do as parents is to watch out for it and prepare for it.

The Personal Bit:
Due to my extreme shyness and zero athletic ability, I was always picked last to be on a team in PE in grade school.  Graceful, I was not.  Embarrassed, I certainly was.  In this particular area, I learned I was never going to be very skilled.  I was, however, able to develop coping mechanisms to get me through the torture of PE, and I was never given an award for my athletic abilities.  See?  An award for something I was NOT GOOD AT would have only confused me as a young kid.  I would have been happy to receive it, but eventually I'd wonder what I did to deserve it.

On the other hand, I made extremely good grades in school, and I read at least one book every day from first grade until I got my first job at age 16.  I became very skilled at playing the bass clarinet and piano, and won awards for the former- that is, until I gave it up.  I won a full academic scholarship for my first year of college.  I made the highest grade in my French class every year from 8th grade to 12th and got medals for that.  I got one of the highest ACT scores in my class.  There were many more academic honors, but I can't remember them all.

I hope that I can encourage my kids to find something they are good at.  I do not want to pressure them in any direction, but I will also instill that they must finish what they start.  They can experiment in sports, academics, or whatever else they want, as long as it is within reason financially.  I truly want them to each develop a certain skill to its fullest extent, whatever it may be.

Randomness is the spice of life

Are you the type of person who can eat at a restaurant or go to the movies alone?  Or do you always need someone by your side?  Explain.
I was a loner as a teenager, and when I got my first car at 16, I would go to fast food places and eat by myself while reading a book.  I still have no problem with that- as long as I have a book.  I've also been to a few movies by myself, but a couple of those experiences did not turn out well.  I don't like scary movies or any movies that have any scary elements, and I was beyond terrified when I saw my first R-rated movie.  I was alone and it was Scary Movie, which was supposed to be a parody of scary movies so I thought it would be fine.  Usually I turn to someone and grab them when I'm scared, but there was no one.  I toughed it out just to prove I could, although I did scream loudly a few times.  Years later, I went alone to see The Number 23, which was a Jim Carrey movie.  I knew it wasn't a comedy, but I did not know how dark and twisted it would be.  Scared the crap out of me with no one there to hold me. Again.  So now I prefer going to movies with my husband or family or a friend.  I will never go to another movie alone unless I am 100% sure it is a comedy or romance. 

Do you believe in ghosts?  Why or why not?
I used to believe in a lot of stuff, like ghosts and horoscopes and fate and heaven.  Now I'm not so sure.  I believe in very little these days.  I've never experienced a ghost.  I would have to have solid proof, as in seeing one for myself.

You just got a full scholarship to two colleges: one is in New York City, the other is in California.  Which one would you choose?  Explain.
There was a time when I was actually very good at playing the piano, and my instructor wanted me to go to a college in New York that offered a degree in musical therapy.  She thought I would be an excellent candidate to get the degree and then have a career going to hospitals and other places to play the piano as a healing instrument.  I really wish I had taken her (and my lessons) more seriously.  However, if all of that was not in the picture, I would choose California.  My reasons? The nicer weather, I've never been there, and I could see San Francisco finally.  On the other hand, I wouldn't need a car in NYC, and I could go see plays on Broadway and try to get on Jimmy Fallon.  Hmmmmm.

Some people enjoy getting compliments and some people feel embarrassed by them.  Which are you?  What are some compliments you get a lot?  Are there times when you get compliments and don’t believe them? Explain.

I used to get compliments all the time about my looks and intelligence.  Believe it or not, I was pretty when I was younger, and I was incredibly smart.  I never knew how to take a compliment, though.  Now, I get compliments on my cooking and customer service skills.  Sometimes a random person will compliment my car's bumper stickers or my kids' cuteness.  I try my best to just say thank you.  It's rare that I get positive comments on my appearance nowadays, so on those sporadic occurrences, I am very effusive in my thanking.

What are your bad habits? 

My husband would say it's picking my feet.  I pick at the soles of my feet, and I have ever since my son went through his struggle to live over 3 years ago.  I don't smoke and I rarely drink, so I guess it's a stress reliever.  I am almost always walking around on painful, bleeding, torn-up feet.  My reasoning used to be that my son was hurting, so I should, too.  It didn't help that I blamed myself for his medical problems.  The constant pain reminds me and shames me.

What do you do to let others know you love them?

I tell my husband and kids several times a day that I love them.  I also kiss and hug my kids whenever they will let me.  Everyone else, I have to write to or cook for.  I don't remember much about growing up, but I recall never telling my family I loved them and hardly ever hugged anyone.  It's strange.  I have always had a difficult time showing people affection- with the notable exception of my male friends.  When I think about it, I love many people who may not be aware of it because I don't know how to show it unless you give me paper and pen or knowledge of your favorite desserts.